Tag Archives: love

Heaven’s New Chief Operating Officer

14 Jun

I’m pretty sure that when someone close in the family passes away (even if they aren’t close probably, just death in general), that everyone starts thinking deeper about life, death, love, their relationships with everyone and really cherishing life while we have it. And we KNOW we should be doing that hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. But a death close to home really makes people reflect, and that’s just how it is.

Late Sunday night, my 96 year old grandmother expired. I say expired, because literally that’s what happened. She reached her expiration date. She wasn’t terminally sick, she never had cancer, she never had any real illness – the woman was strong, healthy, and tough. She worked at the same place for 76 years! Who does that these days? Who does that at all…

She was the reason that I always went on trips and turned over every piece of china I was served on, to see if it said “Syracuse China” on the bottom. And finding out that plates in Hawaii, Las Vegas, and Miami were from the place my grandmother worked most of her life was so exciting to me! She was overbearing and she had to control everything – the most independent, strong woman in the family (now I put that title on my Aunt, who has taken care of her since she started to weaken and is the next generation of Tough, raised by the Toughest). She was on the Price Is Right, her favorite show. She LOVED to play Bingo. She taught me how to play. I used to go with her when I was younger and LOVED it. Thanks for showing me the thrill of gambling, Gram ;-) I used to spend hours in her basement playing her old out-of-tune piano, and when I got older she even bought me my own upright. She fostered my love of music and was always there to hear me.

A few days ago when I went to see her with my dad, she was at the end – weak, not able to speak clearly, see, or really hear well. At one point she looked toward my father (her son) and said “Joey, did you have breakfast?” I thought that was hilarious. Making sure he had breakfast until the bitter end, LOL. Realizing she was somewhat coherent, he said “Yannow, Nikki is here too.” She turned toward me on the other side of her bed and she said, “Oh. Nikki… I love you.”

THAT was the last thing I heard from my grandmother’s mouth and I’ll hold onto that one forever. Don’t we all wish we could have said that just one more time? I exchanged I Love You’s with my grandmother 2 days before she passed away. I’ll hold onto that memory forever, it was just fantastic. No one was prouder of me in anything I ever did than my grandmother, and that’s undisputable. ESPECIALLY in my endeavors as a vocalist. She would try to make me sing in front of EVERYONE. She wanted me to sing in church, she played recordings and videos of me for people who didn’t even know me at her house – she was prouder than proud. Me? I refused, no way was I singing in her church or anywhere else in front of her friends… but she finally got me. My Aunt called me this morning, letting me know that in my grandmother’s Last Wishes that she wrote out… she requested I sing the Ave Maria at her funeral. I’m half totally honored and half just laughing because she finally got me to sing in her church, now, didn’t she?! Ha! And so it shall be.

But really, no matter how many eyes rolled when she complained or called us repeatedly, hounded us to EAT EAT EAT at her house no matter how full we already were… she was it. The ultimate Martiarch. The woman was tougher than steel but she loved her family like crazy. I remember her answering machine messages at my parents’ house that ran on so long she’d run out the tape. I remember her force-feeding us pounds of cavatelli which will remain my favorite pasta forever (it’s just SO damn good, but no one makes a Gluten Free version!). I remember she would never throw out food and had a freezer full of stuff that no one wanted to touch because it had been there so long. I remember whenever she got a gift from someone she would give it to one of us – the queen of the Re-Gift. She never wanted to eat the boxes of chocolates she got, she would make us eat them. Those yellow Whitman’s Sampler boxes with the charts that told you what was in every chocolate… God those were delicious. LOL. Everything at her house seemed to revolve around food – and photos. She had so many photos of us in her dining room, like legit Display Cases full of them. I really wish she could have lived to see me (the last unmarried grandchild) get married… but I know whenever and wherever, she’ll stop what she’s doing to watch with an aerial view.

Getting older means inevitably parting with loved ones, as everyone gets older and we can’t stop time, disease, or fate from taking people one by one around us. But if we cherish the ones who cherish us, keep our closest all close, and make sure they know we love them – when they are no longer with us, we can all feel that peace in knowing they understood they were important to us. I’ve only lost one other family member who I was really close to, about 13 years ago. And no matter how long they lived or how “expected” it was, Lord does losing them hit you in the chest.

So this week is one for the books. Heaven gets a new COO this week. She’ll let God stay CEO, but she’s definitely going to run his day-to-day operations and she won’t take no for an answer.

<3 NF

Serenity NOW!

18 May

Well I have been EXTREMELY unavailable for a few weeks but that doesn’t mean my brain ever shuts off… Personally, I just completed the last phase of a complete and total re-vamp of my life and I officially “have my shit together” for the first time in probably 5 years. Gorgeous new Townhouse, new car, love my job, amazing relationship, fantastic friends and family around – everything is fantastic! A year ago I was nearly at my worst, mean and miserable and unhappy, and last summer I thought I would NEVER get back on my own feet again. Well, after moving into my new Townhouse last weekend, I can say the last piece of the puzzle is in. It’s been hectic and crazy but I wouldn’t have it any other way – and I have the most amazing man standing there next to me like a 6-foot-1 Fire Extinguisher every time I burst into flames. Literally. I could be yelling and melting down, throwing a fit and he just calms me down and takes it in stride. Never believed in Soulmates until now – he was put on this Earth for me to find (and we’ve lived LESS THAN ONE MILE from each other since we were little kids, I just never knew it – oh the stories I could tell about all our coincidences!).

That brings me to the thoughts I have about New Relationships. Since I can’t write about dating anymore (and thank God, really, I hated it), here I am 4 months into a new Relationship and it’s very different from any other one I’ve had in my life. I wish I could write or reach out to anyone who is dating and somehow GIFT them a relationship like mine but I really can’t figure out what it is exactly that makes it so perfect. I used to think there were all these rules and protocols to follow, but I haven’t stopped to think about anything at all in months – it just works. I have noticed a lot of core beliefs that we share and I wonder if those are really the center of the harmony…

RESPECT. If both parties are big on it, you never have to worry about anyone feeling slighted. Respect for each other’s time, respect for each other’s property, and respect for each other’s needs/wishes. If you’re really big on respect and you always respect your partner, but they don’t put the same importance on it (or vice versa) you will have IMMEDIATE problems and butt heads. One person will feel disrespected and unvalued – those feelings can lead to resentment and worse blowouts. Having a mutual respect level has been really refreshing.

ROMANCE. I never realized how important it is to be on the same playing field in terms of “the little things”. You can GET BY in a relationship when you’re not in tune on them, but you can’t reap the full benefits of a great love without matching up on them. Example: You do little things like sticking a lovenote on his windshield when he’s at work, maybe a card “just because” sometimes, etc… but he doesn’t believe in doing those kinds of things. You still will feel GREAT when he smiles and feels great getting his “little acts” of random romance… but eventually you’ll feel a little resentment that you aren’t receiving them too. And vice versa for guys – if your man surprises you with flowers, or a random note or card here and there – but you just don’t do things like that – eventually he will feel like his romantic efforts are wasted on you. A relationship is at its best when BOTH people are of the same kinds of romantic beliefs. Either you both don’t do romantic “little things” – or you both do.

CHILDREN. Another really tricky subject to bridge with your partner. I could never really figure out what I wanted to do about this myself – date a guy with a child so he understands how my life goes because I have one? Date a guy with none so we don’t have to create the Brady Bunch? After dating I realized I didn’t want a guy with an older child than mine – they’re already raised and I’m not reversing someone else’s problems. And then I realized that people who have never had a child cannot really comprehend exactly what it’s like TO have one. Then of course I found perfection in what I’m currently in… so agreeing and meshing on Parenting and children is REALLY important to a couple getting along. This goes for single, non-child-having people as well. If one WANTS kids in the future and one doesn’t (or “doesn’t know”), you really are going to have a hard time one day when that subject has to be discussed. May as well have it all hashed out early.

ACTIVITIES/INTERESTS. “We have a lot in common” doesn’t cut it, really. I have a lot in common with a lot of people, including every guy I’ve ever dated. That doesn’t mean you’ll get along well. I’m learning how important it is that both parties are on similar schedules – and not similar in time, but similar in genre. Not doing the same things at the same time, but being active and interested in the same KINDS of things – narrowed down. Example: I love music. A lot of people love music. That doesn’t mean we’d be great together. Specifically, I’m into the LYRICS of music, I like to WRITE music, feel music, dissect music… and I’m a musician. Nothing annoys me more than the statement “I don’t listen to the words”. I know LOTS OF PEOPLE who LOVE MUSIC who do not listen to the words, they don’t care what the MESSAGE is in the songs they just enjoy listening to them. As far as I’m concerned, that means I do not share their musical interests. There are a LOT of things like this where people say “Oh we have tons in common” but it’s a very general statement. Digging down into the core interests, I’m finding that it’s so much more satisfying to really LOVE some of the same things.


People are complex – we have so many quirks and faults, so many attributes and flaws… it’s really what makes life as a human so interesting and exciting. But I’m finding cuteness in little quirks, comfort in sharing ideas and beliefs… discovering someone else layer by layer is just so intriguing when you’re on the same page in the same book.

<3 NF

Once Upon A Dream

11 Apr

It’s remarkable that I’ve just put in and gotten back the most emotionally-charged couple of months in my 31 year history. No exaggeration, yet no real explanation – for the first time I literally do NOT have words that can relay what has occurred in my soul (I didn’t even believe I had one - at least not the one I’m seeing in myself lately).

It is unthinkable to my jaded self that anything like what’s going on could even affect me, as I’ve said in the past here even in writing “I don’t know when I became unemotional”… but that’s not the case anymore! I feel like I woke up, all of me has woken up. I smell new things in the air, feel new things on my skin – I feel like some weird cloudy glass I was viewing the world through has been pulled away and everything is just crystal clear. Where I once was overwhelmed by events in my life, I’m now able to rationally divide and conquer. Where I was once angry and bitter, I’m able to finally let go and shed those grudges and all of that anger. Where I was insecure and unconfident – I’m smiling without reservation and ready to take on every single day. Where I used to just SAY “kick ass – take names”, I am really waking up every day and doing just that with my life.

I wish like hell that I could take the feeling and the connection I’ve made and express it in WORDS, but I have tried to explain it to friends and family and words just don’t cut it! It’s like some kind of spirit is literally carrying me through my days, helping me make decisions and solve problems, cheering me on, and cheering me up. It’s like the feeling of being on stage performing, giving the absolute best show of your life and the crowd is behind you 100%. Except my crowd is just one, and I’m not on stage, I’m just being myself – and living life.

Being one’s self is natural, but I’m surprised at how many times I’ve NOT been myself for the sake of another. I have never been so ME before in my life. Example: Today in Starbucks, a guy walked in with a T-shirt that said in huge letters, “FREE HUGS”. What did I do? I walked up with open arms and hugged the guy. Then he handed me a marker and said “Now you have to sign it!” and I saw all the other names on the shirt from people who had hugged this guy all day! IT WAS AWESOME. He was doing something with a charity, too, which made it ten times better. There were people who just looked at him like he was nuts – but I’m the kind of person who will hug the guy in the FREE HUGS T-shirt. That’s who I am. I love people. And now I am free to be myself a THOUSAND percent. My coffee partner (not to demote him but he happened to be there!) actually thought it was great that I did it, and passed out a hug and a signature right along with me. THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

Jessica Simpson sang the song. “I can let my hair down, I can say anything crazy – I know you’ll catch me right before I hit the ground… with nothin’ but a T-shirt on, I never felt so beautiful as I do now…” YES YES YES! I have stumbled across someone who thinks almost exactly like me, who is accepting and giving and thoughtful and outgoing and social. Everything I am! Not to mention uber intelligent, and social, and tech savvy – and social! And speaking of SOCIAL, I’m NOT going to talk about this here in a public forum all the time, but I know he wouldn’t mind the bragging today because he’s just as Social as I am. I’ll just have to dissertate on other things because 1.) This is my reality and I’m gonna’ keep it to myself soon here, and 2.) everyone will get sick of stories about how perfect things are with us. ;-)

I really wanna talk about the best weekend of my whole life. There were drinks, dinner, and lots of music – not to mention a picture window. There were wineries out in the Finger Lakes, sunsets, music, people, hours and hours of laughter, and so many smiles my face still hurts. There was Sunday Mass in a beautiful church, breakfast, and friends. Even after the official weekend was over, there was a tandem volunteering effort at a facility that feeds needy people, where we helped serve breakfast. Sometimes I feel like when God created me, he took my personality and split it in half – saved that other half for a man he created one year later; Then gave us 30 years to locate each other.

I’ve said too much, I’m sure. But you have no idea how this feels. I would like to climb to the tallest elevation here in Central New York and yell it into the Ricola horn. But you can see all of this right on my face, hear it in my voice, and see it in how I walk like I’m treading on clouds. To be on the exact same wavelength, to love and hold high the same things – to instantly be able to finish sentences for someone else…

This is living. This is not going through motions… this is getting out what you put in… We may or may not have spent hours on end tonight, in the warm breeze on my back deck talking each other’s heads off. This. Is. Fantastic.

<3 NF

EDIT: I actually did not post this when I wrote it – I sent it to him first to make sure he was Kosher with it. Of course… he was. <3

If It’s WORK, It Doesn’t Work!

4 Apr

I knew this was going to turn itself into a Post one day, I just didn’t know when.

I don’t care how many college courses one takes in regards to Psychology, Sociology (both of which I took), or any Human Relationship courses – until you’ve been in and been through a metric shit ton of them, you have no ground on which to stand giving advice about them. My resume at this point speaks volumes, and I’m going to take the “Expert Testimony” on this subject here and now.

I can say with a certainty factor of 99% that if two people get together and after the Honeymoon Phase find that things between them require 20 hours a day of conscious effort and work… they don’t belong together. This after not only observing others in their relationships, but my own as well. The problem I see with this? In the beginning everything comes up roses. You have the meeting, the giggling, the courting, the Fairytale Honeymoon Phase. And if you drag that out for a year… you’re all comfy and sucked into it when the storm hits. Now what? You’re brainwashed. You might even be living together at that point.

Most people have seen what I am talking about. When someone’s “true colors” come out (and yours as well, because it takes two usually) after a while. At that point you’re trying harder and harder to steer things back into Honeymoon Mode. I know that we spent at LEAST the last year of my previous relationship, if not longer, trying to bail water out of a sinking ship, with one arm tied behind our backs, using a shot glass. How much work does that sound like?

But then I look at the SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS around me. I have one girlfriend who is happier than I’ve ever seen her. And I know how easy it’s been. She and her beau are just complimentary souls. Things work. It’s easy. They’re happy. Do they fight? Yeah I’m sure they do. But it’s not a constant uphill battle of personalities. It’s not a constant conflict of interests. And it’s not a situation where one of them is required to compromise who they are and change their entire being just to “make it work”. They accept each other.

Acceptance is a HUGE PART OF a good relationship, according to me. For example. I refer back to the past: Being called “stupid” for wanting to do things I’ve always loved to do. Hello? No namecalling. You start that, you may as well call a UHaul. Both parties had a life previous to getting together, and I firmly believe those lives should be kept as intact as possible. Your partner is just that – your partner! You can give and take, compromise on things (very important to a healthy relationship), but the one thing you cannot compromise on is YOURSELF. Because if he/she loves you, they should love you the way they found you. Don’t change who you are. If someone requires you to overhaul who you are JUST to peacefully co-exist with them… RUN!!! Because somewhere there is a person who requires you to change nothing but your underwear.

This is so easy to write, but so hard to remember when you’re a year into something and things start to change. I’ve promised myself I won’t forget this premise ever again. I look around and I have one girlfriend who is in a HORRIBLE relationship with constant, daily arguing and fighting, no trust (and rightfully so), extreme conflict of interests… it’s been like 3 years, and unfortunately they live together too. Should they marry? NO, OBVIOUSLY NOT. So why waste each other’s time? So easy to say, so hard to do. Another girlfriend I used to hear this from: “And YOU know how I am in a relationship, I drop EVERYTHING if the guy calls me to do something”. Healthy? No, not so much. That kind of desperation just INVITES someone to walk all over you. And the last guy she dated did EXACTLY that. You see these STUPID magazines and books claiming to contain information on “How To Make Him Want You”, but the honest truth is that it isn’t going to work if anyone has to use the power of persuasion to illusion another person into believing they want you. If he/she’s just not that into you – walk – because someone else will be. And the stress level is pretty much zero when it just WORKS -  but you have to stop changing others and yourself just to fit into something that isn’t right for you.

BOTTOM LINE: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO COMPROMISE WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON to PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE. If you find you have to do that in order to have what you define as a “good” relationship, you are in for a long, hard road of misery down the line.

There are so many couples you see who are together forever yet seem to be “opposites”. Do opposites attract? Maybe so. But the reality is that the two “opposite” people ACCEPTED each other the way they came in. One did not change into the other. If I am outgoing and crazy, and you are subdued and shy – ideally you should be with me because you ENJOY my spunky attitude, and I should ENJOY your stable and safe outlook on life. But YOU SHOULDN’T PLAN TO BECOME CRAZY to MATCH MY STYLE, and I SHOULDN’T PLAN TO BECOME SUBDUED to MATCH YOURS. Over time, people change, involuntarily. That’s not what I’m speaking to – I’m speaking to the actual EFFORT that some people put in to change themselves into what they think will “work better” for their partner.

No one is perfect, but the happiest couples are the ones who accept and love each other for EXACTLY who they are – even after the Honeymoon Phase. Oh… and I’m happiest when no one is trying to convince me to eat mushrooms. Gross.

<3 NF

My Funny Valentine

9 Feb

Funny like a clown?

Ah my first V-Day as a single chick. Well for the most part. And I don’t remember the last one I was “alone” for. I’m *not* one of the people who say it’s just another day – I’m a Holiday person. Some people are, some aren’t. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong there. But personally, I love a Holiday no matter what it is. The last 3, I was at the same place with the same guy, and assuming that it would be that way the rest of my life. And now I’m rolling through the Holiday List one at a time, chalking them all up as the first I’ve navigated solo. And the more I navigate the dating scene, the more I think I might be happier alone. I’ve never said that before.

I am so annoyed with the neediness, the suffocation, the boredom, the lies, the total disenchantment that I’ve experienced in the last 7-8 months. The first few weeks are ALWAYS cool. Always. But in my last real relationship, those “first few weeks” lasted months… OK, 2 years maybe, until Trouble in Paradise brewed. I don’t particularly enjoy being alone, and I really wanted to get married and have another child one day. The sad truth to that is that I’m going to be 32 in May, and I hate rushing anything. So it could possibly boil down to running out of time. I vow to never become “That Girl”, though, who is in a hurry to settle down with anyone just to achieve the good ol’ American Dream. Believe me, if that was all I wanted – I’ve already met a few candidates. But I’m either going to be completely happy – or completely alone. Settling isn’t something I’m willing to do.

So I wrote about me, and didn’t offer anyone the slightest bit of advice. Sometimes it needs to be done.

<3 NF

Bombs Over Baghdad

5 Feb

Prematurely doing ANYTHING is bad news. But premature dropping of the L-Bomb can blow up a relationship faster than Kenneth Cole blew up his own credibility.

Don’t even SKATE around that word if you’ve been dating someone less than, say, 5 months. I’m sure there are instances where you’re in agreement that you both wanna smother each other to death, and it happens before then and doesn’t wreck it – but I’m speaking in generalizations. Dropping the Bomb before the other party is on that wavelength with you is Relationship Suicide. You may as well just stand up and announce “Hi! I’m clinically insane.”

Advance and retreat, advance and retreat. I can’t repeat it enough. Without some retreat, you’re chasing. Nearly no one wants to be chased and smothered. Again – there are some codependents who can only survive skin grafted to their partner, but most of us normal-ish folks enjoy the art of BREATHING.

The question I want to ask of these Serial Lovers is: Why the rush? Do we all understand that the world isn’t going to end tomorrow afternoon? People are getting engaged, married, and divorced all in less than 5 years’ time these days. SLOW THE EFF DOWN! I wish there was a statistic on that somewhere – there probably is but I’m not keen on researching right now. Maybe a purely statistical Blog is in order this week.

But we all know the people who fall “in love” in a few weeks. I just wish we could send them all to Dating Rehab. Anyone want to open a Center for the Relationally Challenged with me?

<3 NF

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