Code Yellow. Elevated Risk of Attack.

24 Mar

Oh this is where shit gets tricky. For me anyways.

It’s no secret that I’ve been out test-driving Syracuse’s Not-So-Finest for close to a year now, recounting the funny and stupid moments and basically musing about the whole process from my own point of view. Way back, I liked one who didn’t like me (well, he appeared to but we’ll leave that whole wacky situation to rest because he was certainly in the Top 3 Weirdest Humans I Know category), I couldn’t stand a few, and a couple might have grown on me if they didn’t try to stuff me into a body bag and drag me home to their families as a hostage. Met a few Fatal Attractions, and one I considered a Restraining Order against. In every case, it was an effort made to try and do the “right thing” and figure out what compliments me as a person, because I really haven’t any idea what my “type” is or what I even like in a guy anymore. I mean physically we know I dig brunettes and I hate skinny guys. But what really matters – the personality, heart, soul, brain, interests – I had no idea what I wanted there. When you get out of such a LONG relationship, especially one that ends with such a huge emotional upheaval, I know personally I made a mental list of the things I would do differently. What I wouldn’t do again, actually - and what I would do differently to protect myself from ever feeling that crazy range of emotions again. One of those things is to be with someone complimentary to my own personality and disposition. Not necessarily the SAME kind of person as myself, but one whose disposition compliments mine. Puzzle pieces. Some things you really need to be OPPOSITE of your partner on, because if you’re too much alike it can be like pouring gasoline on a fire. That is what I came from - and what I’m not going back to. He might have been my Best Friend, but at one point just too much alike to be peaceful.

WHAT do you do though when you’re not so much expecting or trying to seek anything out and find yourself at an Elevated Risk of Attack? I’m at a Code Yellow here! I usually sit at a nice even-keeled Code Blue (GUARDED). I’ve been at a Blue for… well I haven’t moved from there for as long as I can remember. You know my drill if you read this gibberish that I write – she’s angry, she’s jaded, she’s tough. If you get too close you’re suffocating me, if you stay too far away I’m bored. The girl is never happy.

So what if you’re NOT suffocating me, but you’re not evasive? What if you’re *not* playing that stupid “Guess what I think about you because I’m not saying it aloud” game? What if I’m having a nuclear meltdown and you’re the sea water that halts it in its tracks? Can someone REALLY be like the Price Is Right…. Just enough – without going over??? And what if you like all the same kinds of things? Hold all the same morals, values, core concepts? I mean really. Have you ever held a two-and-a-half-hour conversation with someone, face to face? I know I haven’t. Hadn’t…

So I’m kinda’ scared to death and kinda’ uber excited. IDENTICAL to the feeling that I get at the very top of the first huge hill of a fantastic roller coaster. I LOVE ROLLER COASTERS. And when you crest that very first enormous hill, right before you drop, you are PETRIFIED, but so excited because the adrenaline takes over and you’re anticipating the rush of that fall.

Yeah. That feeling.

Code Yellow.

<3 NF

“… scared of the bottom – afraid of the stairs…” ~ Gavin DeGraw

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Meet Me In The Middle

16 Mar

Does there exist a Happy Medium in the Single World? Those who do not immediately want to Bogart as much of your time and self as possible… but who also don’t vaporize the majority of the time leaving you wondering if it’s even worth your effort to, well, make an effort. It seems to me that everyone is at one end of the spectrum and no one seems to like a nice healthy combination of give and take. Somewhere in between psycho and uninterested seems desirable.

- Inviting me on a cruise that is almost an entire year away when you’ve known me for 3 weeks: Psycho.

- Making me be the “man” and extend every invitation and sentiment myself: Uninterested.

Yes, I read “He’s Just Not That Into You” and I read it twice like Santa and his list. If you’re not a little aggressive, we assume we’re staying in Acquaintance Land. But if you’re trying to sew up every minute of our days, you need to calm the eff down. Is staying in the middle of the two really too much to ask?

I always repeat that it’s not Rocket Science, but maybe it’s harder than I thought. I mean come on. If you’re always the one trying to grab her time and she constantly has an excuse ready as to why she can’t give you any, take the hint and give up. Don’t make her actually SAY “You’re way too much, you’re driving me nuts.” And conversely, if she’s the one always making an effort with you, turn her down so she gets the hint or she’ll get real tired of feeling like she’s wearing the pants and give up trying. We REALLY don’t dig chasing anyone. I am willing to bet that even the hardest of the hardcore “tough girls” deep down want to be the girly girl and hand over the wheel. So either take that wheel – and drive – or stop at the next intersection and get out.

I know I’ve said 50 times how much I loathe dating and this is why. It’s not possible or proper to write the note you wrote in 2nd grade with the two checkboxes, and no one wants to just be real and honest, including me. How scary would it be to be that honest? What if you COULD pass the 2nd grade note: “I like you, do you like me? Check one, yes or no…” and it came back with the NO box checked? I mean, I know I’m in sales and all, but rejection is number one on the list of things that can ruin my entire outlook on life. There’s just no easy way to figure that stuff out. I think I’m going to re-read “He’s Just Not That Into You” one more time for good measure.

I wish boys came with Instruction Manuals and Comment Cards. If the Comment Card he comes with says repeatedly from other women that he’s clingy and suffocating, you could refuse any involvement from the start… and the Instruction Manual would have clues as to what his version of “interested” looks like.

And it’s this crap that runs through my crowded brain as I’m driving between appointments all day, fielding too much communication from one end of the spectrum and not enough from the other…

<3 NF

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Define Sexy.

15 Mar

I have this conversation a lot with the girls. Ready to take it to the streets.

What is “sexy”? Usually when someone uses that word they aren’t using it to describe just someone’s outward appearance. Like any random good lookin’ model or actor/actress is normally referred to with other adjectives. Hot, smokin’, bangin’, etc.

For me (and assorted women I associate with), “sexy” is so much more than what a person looks like. It’s a combination effort. It always aggravates me when the shallow people say things like, “What is a guy that ugly doing with a girl that hot?” or vice versa. Now I WON’T say that looks don’t count. You bet your ass they count. Anyone who says otherwise is lying to your face.

But for how much do they count? How much of attraction is *not* physical? Remember the guy in High School who was just SO hilariously funny you always wanted to be around him? That’s a kind of attraction. The sensitive one who played the piano and wrote songs with meaningful lyrics? Attractive! The brainiac who sat with you in Biology and just impressed you like crazy with everything he knew about the central nervous system? Well OK that last one was probably just me. Nerds drive me crazy. But really, someone’s overall personality and aura is super, uber important. And in my opinion, personality contributes in a HUGE way to how sexy someone is.

If someone – male or female – is decent looking, they can become irresistible in a hurry if they have traits that draw you in. I think this is why so many famous musicians are considered overwhelmingly sexy. Dave Matthews is a middle aged dude who looks like he could possibly have an extra chromosome, has a fivehead receding hairline - REAL BASIC looking guy. Women everywhere wouldn’t hesitate to bang the guy’s brains out! He’s “sexy”. He’s singing (not even very well, to be honest, as a vocalist) about sensitive things, and when he talks he is funny, witty, seems like a guy you’d love to hang around with – and it draws you in. BINGO – SEXY. But if Dave Matthews walked into your office tomorrow as the New Guy, and he never spoke a word, no one would even notice him.

Please note, I do not find Dave Matthews even remotely sexy. But I know enough people who do, to know he is considered sexy. Now… Gerard Butler. With his Wolfman Jack beard and beer belly…. ask any random woman if she’d kick him out of bed for eating crackers. My answer is no…

But you get my drift, I assume. Sexy is not a description of appearance – I think it’s almost a Personality Type. It’s a whole package deal. I have a friend who met this girl – and the girl is not only a lot younger than him, but EXTREMELY attractive, intelligent, and really has it all. He constantly would say “She is so out of my league Nikki.” Well guess what? They’ve been together for months now and she’s crazy about him. DO YOU KNOW WHY? He’s sexy. Looks wise, he isn’t unattractive – tall, skinny and bald with really blue eyes and facial hair – and really quiet. You wouldn’t notice him sitting in your office either. But once you get to know him, he’s EXTREMELY witty, intelligent, fun, uber nice (if you’re on his good side), and talented. Add up all his intangible qualities with his outward appearance and BANG! The girl is hooked. There is no such thing as out-of-one’s-league when you’re sexy.

Sexy is not so much how you LOOK - as how you look AT someone. It’s not so much how your smile LOOKS – but how your smile FEELS to others. It’s not even as much how you feel standing NEAR that person… as it is how soon you want to stand near them again once you’ve walked away. It’s an overall attraction factor. I think Sexy can make or break a relationship. It’s just not enough to be physically attracted to someone, your senses all need to be involved.

I’ve heard my guy friends make jokes about not-so-attractive girls, “You’re not bangin’ her personality!”…

But dontcha’ want to?

<3 NF

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It’s Not A Sprint… It’s a Marathon

13 Mar

Ahhh… Excess and Speed. The American Way.

Someone used this phrase in reference to alcohol consumption on St. Patrick’s Parade Day here in Syracuse. Too much, too fast – and you’ll never make it through the entire day. But of course my mind takes everything outside the box.

Too much, too fast – it’s suicide in ANY arena, really. But Excess is fun, and in some cases carries a little adrenaline rush with it too. I know personally, the pacing of myself is a tough venture in every aspect. And at first glance – like when you start a new job and you want to run and dive head first into kickin’ ass and takin’ names – it can appear to be the best idea. Impress those people! Get it! But after a month when you’re in way over your head and people are piling everything possible on your shoulders because you demonstrated that you were Superman… the slow ramp-up would have been a better idea, eh?

But then there is the whole unnaturalness of it all. Just rolling with what works is the natural way to go. Back to the alcohol – well, so-and-so is buying rounds. Then someone else buys shots. “Hey come do a shot!” Hey, why not. It’s fun, right? Next thing you know it’s 3pm and you’re ready to check out. So in reality I guess you were supposed to refuse a drink or two, ask not to be included in the round of shots… but the natural flow of things was to just go along with it.

And of course, since we know what all these posts revolve around, there is the unwritten scenario that I don’t even have to map out because I like to think my readers are of the intelligent variety ;-) But really, who doesn’t like what puts a smile on their face and maybe a little extra smirk in their days? Sometimes I really think we’re all better off just going with it. Go big or go home…

So WHAT is a girl to do? Can a Sprint just be part one of a possible Triathlon? Or do they just always end in broken ankles and shin splints? How do you know if you’d even be down for a Marathon if you don’t at least take a jog, anyways?

Not for nothing, but I’ve always hated running.

<3 NF

I’m including the song that’s in my head as I write this… Sleepytime Song for March 13th:

“You’d better know that in the end it’s better to say too much, than to never to say what you need to say again.”

“Even if your hands are shaking, and your faith is broken, even as the eyes are closing – do it with a heart wide open…”

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Hints and Allegations

8 Mar

So this comes up a lot in conversation, and in a few different ways:

- “Well I dropped hints for weeks that I wanted him to, but he either didn’t get it or didn’t want to.”

- “I hinted around that I really like her, but I don’t know if she gets it.”

- “Can’t he take a HINT?!?”

Ahhh the HINT. Hint, hint! We do this so much, I think sometimes we don’t even realize we lost the ability to ask for what we want. I’m included, so don’t think I’m going all high and mighty on the motivational here. I’m a Hinter from way back! And for MANY years I’ve said “Guys just don’t take hints very well”… but I think I wanna retract that statement. I don’t think ANYONE takes hints well.

To “take a hint”, in one way, would be to assume someone is into you. And no one ever wants to make that kind of assumption, so it’s hard to convey. If you DO go on an assumption that someone else is into you, you could definitely find yourself embarrassed, humiliated, and probably hurt if you go on thinking that for too long and it turns out you had it wrong. But to take a hint in the opposite direction… that’s seemingly harder for people to grasp. The “I’M NOT INTO YOU” hint.

I will count myself among the precious few who take that hint immediately. It might be because I read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”, and I read it twice. Girls are FAMOUS for missing that hint, and it’s embarrassing. I don’t know how anyone cannot feel the obvious change in direction when something that was going along in an upward motion stops… and begins to fall back down the hill. But there is a change in the winds, folks. You can tell – if you’re paying any sort of attention. The problem is that a lot of people deny it and label it something else. I have a friend who is so good at justifying why a guy backed off, she should capitalize on her talent. He’s busy. It’s his job. It’s his family. His monkey is sick. He had to wash his hair this weekend.

TAKE. A. HINT.

If someone becomes harder to track down – stop trying. I have to say I did go out on a date with a guy once, and I had a nice time but “it” just wasn’t there, whatever “it” is, I was just OK with him. Like take it or leave it. So I left it. And he never once asked me why, never called after the FIRST non-returned phone call, and he let me be. I was so impressed with that. It’s never happened like that again, however, and as I’ve reiterated about the last one (who scared me, if I haven’t said so, the Fatal Attraction dude) there comes a point when a girl is literally saying to you aloud ”I FIND YOU EXTREMELY BORING, AND ANNOYING…” and you’re replying “BUT YOU AREN’T GIVING ME A CHANCE!” that you have to stop and realize you’re chasing someone who told you flat out they don’t like you. Did I mention that guy was also sobbing? Man I can pick ‘em.

I shouldn’t BE pickin’ em, I should be letting them do the pickin’. Except I’m too independent and I always initiate things on my own. I used to suck at it, too, and I’ve improved tenfold. But that is neither here nor there. I said my piece on the taking of the hints.

<3 NF

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The Friend Zone

6 Mar

Can there be an Adult Time-Out? Can I just take the suffocating crazies and make them sit alone in a corner and think about what they’ve done? The insane ones will always find me, I think. I found out this weekend that a friend of mine had said “Sorry to hear you and Nikki don’t hang out anymore” to a guy I had very bluntly told that we had NOTHING in common and that I had no desire to date whatsoever. Said guy replied “Oh Nikki and I will be together. She’ll realize that. She’ll come around. We won’t be apart for long.”

OH MY LORD. Seriously? That one should be put in a padded cell. I went out with him a handful of times for less than 4 weeks.

Everyone seems to want to “overdate” when all I really wanna do is “undate”. The number one MOST important thing in a relationship to me is Friendship. I don’t understand why the men I have met in the last 9 months all want to wife up immediately before they A.) Know the girl, or B.) would even consider each other FRIENDS.

You aren’t true friends with someone in a month. Friendship is a constant growing exercise – it’s an ever-evolving act. It grows stronger with time and random acts of kindness. You support your friends in their endeavors – you cheer them on when they’re going for something, when they’re upset you buy two pints of Ben & Jerry’s and eat ‘em side by side (wait, you don’t do that for your friends?)…. You feel insanely proud of them when they accomplish something – and you want to kill anyone who disrespects them, because NOBODY messes with your friends! You spend time with your friends, and as time goes on you grow attached to your friends and you’d never imagine yourself without them in your life.

Now I know everything I just said is true – so replace the word “friends” with “lovers”, and replace “Friendship” with “Love”. Gee, it still all works the same. Those two words, in a good relationship, should be interchangeable. You don’t go rushing into a friendship with someone when you first meet them… you do not refer to a friend you just met a month ago as your “best friend”, do you? BEST FRIENDS are created over time, with a lot of love and support, laughs and smiles, tears and pain, and all the things you share that makes that bond with your BEST FRIEND special. My best friend and I have about 10 years invested and one of us would have to die to ever end it – but we didn’t even LIKE each other when we first met! You need to be around someone a lot to really know them, and for them to really know you. So if you wouldn’t call a brand new person your Best Friend in a month – why would you want to wife up and label a potential boyfriend/girlfriend that soon?

There is a quote that is very commonly read at Weddings and I think it should be at every single one. The first time I heard it I was 15 years old reading in church for my cousin’s wedding, and I said “That is exactly what I want to do when I’m older”. It still holds true, and I’m never changing my mind on that. It reads:

That’s the goods, folks. That’s what it’s all about. For some people I guess it’s about finding the hottest, richest, most successful people they can. Shallowtown – population you! I just like to be comfortable, be myself, and enjoy myself with someone who’s doing the same. This shouldn’t be Rocket Science.

That’s my $0.02.

<3 NF

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Right Place, Right Time

27 Feb

Well OK, so I was *not* in the right place at the right time on Friday when I slipped on ice, twisted my ankle in the wrong direction and snapped it. I did, however, manage to make it inside the building to meet with a client who I also have to thank for icing my ankle while we talked business. And then I made it back to my office to finish some calls and a proposal, and did not hit up the Emergency Room until my workday had ended. I would love to say that’s because I’m the hardest working woman you know. But it was definitely out of fear. I shalt not take any time off. No sir.

But in every other way, I think I am in the right place at the right time. My life situation is less than ideal, but I was having a conversation today relaying some past events to another person and for the first time I said aloud, “I threw away everything, but I know it was the right decision.” I’ve never said that aloud. I don’t know how convinced of that I was before, to be honest. Saying that today was like “OH! Yes. Yes, I do believe that!” Just because something results in an immediate hardship doesn’t mean it was the wrong move. The great thing about being human and having brains and determination is that everything is changeable with a little work and a lot of drive.

I think my head is clear enough at this point to make some Big Girl decisions. Still with caution. I think for me Caution is the theme of the year. Anytime I have thrown caution to the wind, I have either hurt someone or gotten myself hurt in the process. I don’t like either of those! This time I’m going Cautious, with Checkpoints. Little evaluations along the way. In sales we call them “mini closes”. Going along in time and then stopping to say “Does this make sense?” and “Do we agree on this?” It’s like a flow chart: If YES ———> Proceed to the next number. If NO ————> Evaluate a possible solution, or think about closing it out.

So let’s get into another fantastic week, because no matter how crappy a day or a week may turn out, they all start with the possibility of being FANTASTIC! Tomorrow will be warm for Central New York, which sets me up for a real bout of Spring Fever. Even with a crappy day, I try to remind myself that my life has been MUCH worse, and is on an incline toward the top of my Mountain – no longer anywhere near the bottom of the Valley I once was in.

Cheers to positivity – kickin’ ass, takin’ names!

<3 NF

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