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The Friend Zone

6 Mar

Can there be an Adult Time-Out? Can I just take the suffocating crazies and make them sit alone in a corner and think about what they’ve done? The insane ones will always find me, I think. I found out this weekend that a friend of mine had said “Sorry to hear you and Nikki don’t hang out anymore” to a guy I had very bluntly told that we had NOTHING in common and that I had no desire to date whatsoever. Said guy replied “Oh Nikki and I will be together. She’ll realize that. She’ll come around. We won’t be apart for long.”

OH MY LORD. Seriously? That one should be put in a padded cell. I went out with him a handful of times for less than 4 weeks.

Everyone seems to want to “overdate” when all I really wanna do is “undate”. The number one MOST important thing in a relationship to me is Friendship. I don’t understand why the men I have met in the last 9 months all want to wife up immediately before they A.) Know the girl, or B.) would even consider each other FRIENDS.

You aren’t true friends with someone in a month. Friendship is a constant growing exercise – it’s an ever-evolving act. It grows stronger with time and random acts of kindness. You support your friends in their endeavors – you cheer them on when they’re going for something, when they’re upset you buy two pints of Ben & Jerry’s and eat ‘em side by side (wait, you don’t do that for your friends?)…. You feel insanely proud of them when they accomplish something – and you want to kill anyone who disrespects them, because NOBODY messes with your friends! You spend time with your friends, and as time goes on you grow attached to your friends and you’d never imagine yourself without them in your life.

Now I know everything I just said is true – so replace the word “friends” with “lovers”, and replace “Friendship” with “Love”. Gee, it still all works the same. Those two words, in a good relationship, should be interchangeable. You don’t go rushing into a friendship with someone when you first meet them… you do not refer to a friend you just met a month ago as your “best friend”, do you? BEST FRIENDS are created over time, with a lot of love and support, laughs and smiles, tears and pain, and all the things you share that makes that bond with your BEST FRIEND special. My best friend and I have about 10 years invested and one of us would have to die to ever end it – but we didn’t even LIKE each other when we first met! You need to be around someone a lot to really know them, and for them to really know you. So if you wouldn’t call a brand new person your Best Friend in a month – why would you want to wife up and label a potential boyfriend/girlfriend that soon?

There is a quote that is very commonly read at Weddings and I think it should be at every single one. The first time I heard it I was 15 years old reading in church for my cousin’s wedding, and I said “That is exactly what I want to do when I’m older”. It still holds true, and I’m never changing my mind on that. It reads:

That’s the goods, folks. That’s what it’s all about. For some people I guess it’s about finding the hottest, richest, most successful people they can. Shallowtown – population you! I just like to be comfortable, be myself, and enjoy myself with someone who’s doing the same. This shouldn’t be Rocket Science.

That’s my $0.02.

<3 NF

Ode To Singleness

24 Feb

My head just won’t quit tonight.

So we’ve come to the part of the program where I think I should do an Ode to what’s fantastic about being single. As you’ve heard by now, I haven’t been single much in the last 10 years. And that was because after a long-term relationship, somehow I would run into someone after a couple of months and BAM… be with them for years. Rinsed and repeated. 8-9 months of this singleness thing now, and I guess there ARE a few positives. And I think the things I LIKE about being single are also kinda’ things that have made me stop and back up when I’ve started to hang around with someone. But let’s see…

Being a single girl is FANTASTIC because…

… I don’t have to report to anyone. I can do what I want, when I want, change my mind if I want – three times. There is a certain amount of required respect when you’re in a relationship to kinda’ let them in on your life’s doings. I need not do so. If I want to hang out with my best friend 15 days in a row, so be it. If I wanna take off to another state for the weekend? Don’t mind if I do.

… flirting is so much fun sometimes. I’m not even gonna’ lie, I dig it – but it’s off-limits for me when I’m in a relationship. I know a lot of people see it as harmless and do it even in marriages, and that’s their thing. But I’m strictly a one-man woman, so I’m enjoying “The Flirt” while I’m allowed to.

… it gives you all kinds of confidence. I like getting dolled up to go out with the girls! And I’m not one of the girls who gets into a relationship and disappears into thin air, I still go do things with my friends but it’s not the same as when you’re single. Single girls have a different air about us, it’s more exciting and confidence-boosting when we get together and go out. It’s kind-of like proving to ourselves that we “still got it”. Whatever works!

… dates are FUN! There was nothing crappier than saying in my last relationship after 2 years “Honey we never go on dates anymore” and hearing him say, “We’ve been together for two years Nikki, we don’t have to go on dates anymore.” Yup, he said that. I don’t believe that should ever happen, because dating is actually a lot of fun even many years into it! Not every weekend needs to be a 4 course meal in a dress, but sometimes chicks want to feel special. And when you’re single – you can go on a date every day if you want! Dates are fun. Even the bad ones, because then you can’t wait to talk to your friends about what an idiot he was…

So really I guess getting into something more serious than a few random dates with someone happens ultimately when being with that person feels as good as the best “single moments” like the above, and remains that way (or gets even better) over time. I don’t ever trust that first month or so, that’s ALWAYS fun. It’s after that when the true colors start to come out and the better you get to know someone, the better your judgement can be. As I said before of that last weirdo, don’t make a dating decision based on 3 hours of drunk conversation about music. FAIL.

I’m enjoying myself, for the most part. I gig every single weekend, that in itself is just SO much fun. I’m never bored, I never have much time that goes unaccounted for. Being super busy has its advantages, but I won’t mind a little slowdown if it happens. ;-)

<3 NF

Laughing is Half The Battle

24 Feb

You would think this would be a real no-brainer – but never assume anything when it’s me you’re dealing with. I was just sitting here laughing aloud at something a guy had sent me via Email, and I realized how important it is for me to be with someone who loves to laugh and joke around. I realized that the dude I was seeing before was so painfully boring to me because of the lack of that lighthearted, screwy sense of humor. Like ball-busting, goofy, quoting stupid comedy movies – quoting comedians. There is a “type” of person who I am thinking of when I say this. Someone who ISN’T of the character type would say in defense “But I joke, I laugh, I do those things” because they attempt humor and enjoy some laughs… but it’s hard to put into words the difference between the real personality type I’m talking about – and the straight-and-narrow occasional laugher. That snoozer is the kind of person who tries and fails at goofy humor, but cracks themselves up in the process. Often he’s the only one in the room laughing – and often has to say “That was a joke, albeit a bad one”. Yeah. Sorry buddy. Go read a book. Eat a Veggie Burger.

But the real good goofball is the kind who has their shit together – has a Big Boy Job, a car, a large vocabulary, and can put on a suit and act the part of a Business Professional but at 5pm all bets are off. After Hours he’s got a comeback for everything, a joke for everything, he knows every stupid comedy movie (yeah I should have RUN when I quoted Anchorman to the last guy and he looked at me confused, so I said “Didn’t you see Anchorman?” and his reply was “I don’t remember”. Anchorman is not a movie you forget seeing). I’d love to invent a term for “That Guy” who just GETS IT. Rarely serious (can be serious when necessary, and also knows exactly when it’s time to be serious), always in a good mood, always laughing. Their face alone can make you smile. I am SURE you know one of these guys. I’ll just call them the Laugherati. Literati, Twitterati, Laugherati.

But there is just something about that personality type that people like myself are so drawn to. People who have a comeback immediately without much thought. And really that goes for girls, guys, friends or otherwise. It’s the kind of circle I keep around me, and everyone has that in common. MIGHT be why it’s a laugh riot whenever any of us get together. Last night my friends and I were so intensely fun that the 2 ladies at the next table ended up JOINING US to walk from the restaurant to a bar, and hanging out with us the rest of the night. Random women who just thought we were a good time. I take that as a compliment to our personalities!

Live, Laugh, Love. Fo sho.

<3 NF

Restlessness

21 Feb

I hate it! It’s my Personality Type. I’m easily bored, and constantly restless. But into my 30′s now, I’m noticing it’s getting worse with age. I like to be challenged, and right now I’m bored off my rocker. Some of it I can’t discuss, it’s work-related. But also I’m frustrated in this stupid dating bologna because:

A. I’m alone.

B. I don’t want to be alone.

C. I am not ready to date.

B and C cancel each other out, leaving just A. That’s not cool! I’m 31 and my last relationship situation was devastating. It could take years to really fully recover from. So what of it? I’m probably just wasting someone’s time if I date, because no doubt I’ll find 40 things I can’t stand again. It’s been the norm. Although to be honest, the last one was pretty friggin’ bad. Judgement call. Don’t ever judge a dude based on 3 hours of music talk. It turned out to be the only thing that didn’t bore me to tears. YAWN.

I’m new at this. I was off the Market for many years. It’s also very, very hard to push to the back of my brain the fact that I’m going to be 32 years old very soon. 224 in Dog Years! Christ.

But at 32, ya figure even if you meet someone worthy, you’re looking at a good year or more Courting. Another good year or more engaged. That rounds up to 3 years. 35. So what? No time to hang out and travel… Gotta work on the kid. And to be honest, I don’t wanna do it at 35! 36 with a newborn, BLAH. And that’s if being 36 doesn’t cause problems in that department. This is in a “normal” scenario. Nothing in my life or luck is ever normal.

It is damn near impossible NOT to think about those facts, though. Some women don’t want children and don’t need to think about this. It’s kind-of a big deal for me though. So what of it now? Hang out alone for a year, hope the hurt of the last crap fades enough to become non-influential in my dating dealings? Or truck on through and come what may, not turning down things that may turn out to be great? These are my questions. They shall go unanswered, since I am damned if I do or don’t.

So. Really I accomplished nothing with this post other than to bitch about how restless I feel. It happens. It’s my Blog.

<3 NF

Private Eyes, They’re Watching You

17 Feb

Someone posed this question, and I couldn’t give my answer in 140 Characters or less. But I wanted to talk about it. So I bring it here to my space where I can blah blah all night. The question was: Is it appropriate to read your significant other’s texts/Emails/Facebook messages? And part two was “Some say privacy is necessary; others say relationships involve relinquishing privacy, what do you think?”

I would love to hear readers’ thoughts on this as well, but here is my (always) very strong feeling about this, having been in some great and some awful Relationships involving this issue:

It is NOT appropriate to dig through your significant other’s communications with other people. Absolutely NOT. If you have a level of trust that you feel necessitates that kind of behavior, you should be looking into the trust and insecurity issues of your relationship instead. Relationships DO NOT involve relinquishing privacy, in much the same way that a HEALTHY relationship should not be one in which you give up your identity and melt into the other, but rather two independent people who do not “complete” one another but stand on their own and enjoy being together as best friends and lovers. In other words, I am me – and you are you. Always. There is an “us” and a “we” but that is not all there is, because two people in a Relationship need THEMSELVES as well.

I have been in both situations and I have to say that one of the BEST THINGS about my former 3 year relationship was exactly this. It was a non-issue. I’ve never read any of my Ex’s Email. I didn’t ever feel like there was a reason for me to! I am talking about the “good years”, of course.

Conversely, however, the REASON I never felt the need to read anything was that it wasn’t hidden. Yeah I knew he used basically the same password for every account. And there were times he gave me passwords to go in and fix something in his account settings for him on a Social Networking site or something. No big deal. I didn’t need to monitor them. But they were there if I wanted to. His phone was always laying around the house – and so was mine. BUT: If your significant other is blatantly hiding something, you may have a reason to look around. If they start locking the phone, changing passwords, guarding their communications with others – then you probably have a reason to break the code. Me? I just ask. “Hey. You are starting to lock everything up, and you didn’t used to. What’s the issue…” I am a COMMUNICATOR. I will always ask, for my own piece of mind. Sometimes they could be discussing a surprise for you – maybe he is planning to propose to you and his friend is coaching him!

And how crappy would it be if you were snooping through his stuff all the time and always found out when he was planning a surprise? You’d see Email Confirmations from him ordering things for you online. You’d see advice from his best friend on throwing your Birthday Party. COME ON! Have some trust. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship. Not a strong one. When I speak about my last relationship I almost ALWAYS repeat the same thing every time: “At least I know he never cheated.” You should know they aren’t doing anything to disrespect your relationship behind your back, and if you have any reason to doubt it – you should leave. I enjoyed that trust more than (almost) anything else.

So yeah. I guess you can HAVE my passwords and snoop through my cell phone. But you shouldn’t want to. People do need their privacy, Relationship or not. And also keep in mind that people have to vent. I need to vent, you need to vent. What if I text my best friend after we argue and say “UGH! He is so friggin’ STUBBORN!” and a few days later he sees that message on my phone. Of course his feelings will be hurt all over again, when really I was just venting to my friend which is healthy and we all do it. So no, I do NOT agree with going through your partner’s electronic media. There should be no reason.

<3 NF

Bombs Over Baghdad

5 Feb

Prematurely doing ANYTHING is bad news. But premature dropping of the L-Bomb can blow up a relationship faster than Kenneth Cole blew up his own credibility.

Don’t even SKATE around that word if you’ve been dating someone less than, say, 5 months. I’m sure there are instances where you’re in agreement that you both wanna smother each other to death, and it happens before then and doesn’t wreck it – but I’m speaking in generalizations. Dropping the Bomb before the other party is on that wavelength with you is Relationship Suicide. You may as well just stand up and announce “Hi! I’m clinically insane.”

Advance and retreat, advance and retreat. I can’t repeat it enough. Without some retreat, you’re chasing. Nearly no one wants to be chased and smothered. Again – there are some codependents who can only survive skin grafted to their partner, but most of us normal-ish folks enjoy the art of BREATHING.

The question I want to ask of these Serial Lovers is: Why the rush? Do we all understand that the world isn’t going to end tomorrow afternoon? People are getting engaged, married, and divorced all in less than 5 years’ time these days. SLOW THE EFF DOWN! I wish there was a statistic on that somewhere – there probably is but I’m not keen on researching right now. Maybe a purely statistical Blog is in order this week.

But we all know the people who fall “in love” in a few weeks. I just wish we could send them all to Dating Rehab. Anyone want to open a Center for the Relationally Challenged with me?

<3 NF

LOL, BRB, WTF!

2 Feb

Double You Tee EFF?!

The Text Message has changed not only the way we communicate but recently the way we Market and do business as well. We sign up for Text Clubs, we get text messages for discounts and sales at our favorite stores, and we all know to reply STOP to discontinue them. Last week I got a text from one of my favorite stores at the mall, shopped, and held up my BlackBerry at the checkout – as instructed – to get half off everything I bought. Seriously. TXT RULZ.

But we’ve also STOPPED TALKING TO EACH OTHER as a society. This ain’t your Mama’s world. We DON’T steal the cordless phone to have late-night chats with our Boyfriends anymore. We push the “Fuckoff” button on our phones when a human calls us, and then we text them to say “Hey I’m busy lemme call you in 10″ – just to get sidetracked and forget to call them anyhow.

I am the GUILTIEST of the guilty on this one. My friends and I have exchanged written messages in the high thousands in the last month. My own parents pretty much know that’s the way to get me. I go weeks without hearing my father’s voice on a phone or in person, but I text him every single day. I EMail my mother because she sucks at text. My sister moved to Virginia… I haven’t heard her voice since Christmas, but I’ve texted with her!

I’ve never really thought of consciously changing this. Why bother? Everyone does it. But yannow, NOT everyone. And I have a nightly (almost nightly, sometimes life gets in the way of that) TELEPHONE CONVERSATION that’s kinda’ been illustrating the benefits to me of human interaction. And I have to say, the thing I am finding most beneficial? Most of us can say ANYTHING in a text message. But to be forced to have the same conversation on a phone is to force yourself into a situation you may be a little less than comfortable with for a bit. Pulling yourself out of your element of safety and having that interaction is the real deal… a throwback to the days where you didn’t have 10 minutes to type and delete a response to a question about yourself.

So I am making this decision to CALL my parents and friends a little bit, TALK to people in person… I just looked through my phone into the people who I text with the most and they’re first on my list of near-future phone calls. More face time, less text, and more direct vocal conversation. I might be making it in February – but THAT is my 2011 Resolution.

<3 NF

Untitled?

2 Feb

Titles.

Books have ‘em, movies have ‘em, blogs have ‘em, and Relationships have ‘em. But books, movies, and blogs all get titles BEFORE they’re made.

So when do you title yourself in a Relationship?

PERSONALLY, this has never made any difference to me. Not since maybe 8th grade. But to some this is a big deal (I have some girlfriends who are ANIMATE about this and although I don’t understand why, I’ll speak to it). I’ve heard everything from “Well, he just called me his Girlfriend, and we’ve only been dating for a week!!” to “We’ve been dating for TWO MONTHS, and the bastard won’t call me his Girlfriend.”

I have to wonder how many Relationships this concept actually screws up for people. Does it matter what he calls you? I mean OK, if you’re exclusive for 6 months and he’s still introducing you as “my friend Jennifer”, well Jen I would say he’s definitely bangin’ someone on the side. But a few weeks or a couple of months in, it’s not life or death if he isn’t Girlfriending you to everyone around. And I KNOW the ladies don’t ever think about the flip side – from his point of view, HE might be scared to use that Title on you! Yes, guys are just as nervous as we are when it comes to doing the right thing. Even if he acts like the guy who has his it all together, if he digs you – he’s nervous too.

But when it comes to Titling someone, I guess it does come out sounding like a Commitment. When we’re in 8th grade, there is a required question: “Will you be my Girlfriend?” And since no one has cars or licenses at that age, we then commence what I like to call Phone Dating, where you would steal your parents’ cordless phone at bedtime and talk in hushed tones to your ‘Boyfriend’ until mom and dad went to sleep, then sneak the cordless phone back to its cradle. But he was your BOYFRIEND! And you wore that like a badge.

Then as Adults, Facebook came around and it became the thing to do, to change your Relationship Status when you got serious. I have to wonder about the conversations that take place between people before they do the ol’ Relationship Button Clicking. I was with my Ex when I first created my account, so the thing said “In A Relationship” for 3 years, until this past May. I’m not entirely sure where folks decide to hit The Button. Of course the way I am, it’ll get clicked on a whim – and I’ll get yelled at. I am always getting scorned for my Socialness during a Courting.

But I do feel bad for the guys who end up with That Girl, who has rules on the G-Word. You can’t call her that too early, but if you wait too long she is pissed at you. Good luck, dude! I am going to say that if a chick cares so intensely about her TITLE, it might be a bit of a warning sign that she’s a little on the Superficial side. There are many more women out there who put our emphasis on things like how well you treat us, exactly how fantastic you make us feel, and whether or not you’re going to try to bang our best friend behind our backs. Call me whatever you want, if you’re passing those tests.

A rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet. Remember that, ladies!

<3 NF

Insecurities (For the Ladies)

18 Jan
Insecurities kill a relationship. Mostly OUR insecurities as women. I really dig it when a dude can say “That girl is really attractive” and not feel he has to follow it with “But you’re better.”

Guys pull that crap because we, as women, have created an Insecurity Situation for most of them. “Typical women” are so insecure it’s INSANE. And it might not be you, me, or the next woman… but I am going to say with a degree of certainty that THE MAJORITY of women would fall into the Insecure category when it comes to their men.

Ask yourself, “If my boyfriend/husband looked at another woman walking down the street and said ‘She is very pretty’ – would I be upset?” If your answer is yes, you are PART OF THE PROBLEM.

So if you’re part of the problem, think about it the other way around. Who’s the guy in the movies who you think is absolutely dreamy? And what is the difference? You have to find someone attractive besides your significant other. So why can’t HE find someone attractive besides you? It’s a fact of life, everyone has opinions on what they find sexy. It doesn’t translate into infidelity. It’s very simply just a physical attraction. Very simple, very innocent, VERY HUMAN, very normal.

I wish that insecure women could “un-learn” that behavior. You ladies ruin our men. And believe me or not – men are *NOT* as concerned with how you look as you think. The little things you think about when you look in the mirror – they don’t even notice. Trust me. I’ve had hours of conversation with MANY MEN about this on both a Friend level and a Relationship level. And good news ladies – they REALLY aren’t paying attention after-hours. When they’re in bed, they’re as worried about sucking in their tummies as you are, if not more. And they’re SO concerned with the performance on their end, they really did not notice that your tummy is bulging a little bit because you just ate. They could care less if your butt is a little flabby. Think of men as very simple, very easy-to-understand creatures. Kinda’ like Cavemen. Homo sapiens.

But it’s true! I’m not insulting our strong, cute counterparts. But men are so simple. They don’t love you because you’re perfect. If you’re taking care of them even just a little bit – cook him a meal here or there, tell him he’s sexy once or twice, grab him a beer during the game – they’re pretty happy. If you’re in a relationship (the real kind, like, more than 6 months… the dood you met at the bar last weekend that you’ve gone out with once doesn’t count here, he could be dating 6 other girls but you don’t know that yet), and it’s a good relationship, STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE SUPERFICIAL when it comes to making him happy and keeping him with you.

BOTTOM LINE: He’s not going anywhere if you gain 10 pounds. He’s going somewhere if you act like a psycho insecure bitch.

And guys see major insecurity as psycho behavior. So understand that if he’s with ya’, he digs ya’. So he thinks that Blondie waitress who strutted by your table is a hottie… She probably IS a hottie. So AGREE WITH HIM (or if you’re me, tell him she’s hot for a blonde, and point to the brunette at the next table who is REALLY hot), and move onto the next topic. Because you know who is going home with him after dinner? That’s right. YOU ARE. If you’re in a good relationship, the only thing that matters is whose girl is HIS GIRL. It’s you! So relax, and don’t sweat the small stuff.

<3 NF

Dating SUCKS!

6 Jan

I’m rarely negative about stuff but I’m serious. It bites. It blows. It sucks.

It’s not the actual act of dating that sucks. It’s the game attached to it. Dates are fun. But the seemingly “natural” progression of Date 1 flowing into Date 2 flowing into “Hey I really like this” flowing into a little physicality and flowing into a relationship – that is rarely the way it goes.

No, dating is more like this uncomfortable wondering game, where you have to try to communicate enough to show interest, but not enough to seem overinterested. And since it’s nearly impossible to perfect that method, someone’s always left wondering what the hell the other is thinking. Because face it, in the first couple of weeks you know someone, NO ONE can say “Hey what’s the deal with us?” because it’s a Dealbreaker, no matter how much you like the person saying it. Asking to define a feeling or an intent is Relationship Suicide.

This is where I find I’m consciously telling myself to “Put.The.Phone.DOWN.” DON’T text that boy. DON’T call that boy. DO NOT be the first one to make that move, sister. It’s hard for two reasons. 1.) My personality type, and 2.) I dig him.

Now I should be honest about my feelings on this whole stupid mating game: I think it’s sneaky. Are we supposed to try and con people into liking us? I don’t want anyone to dig me because I acted uninterested (and face it, the less interested we act, the more the boys like us usually… which I will NEVER understand!). But I’ve both done it and WATCHED friends do it where they are all honest and forthcoming about their feelings and the guys run for the hills, issuing them Verbal Citations for Excessive Neediness. In reality, I’m the opposite of Needy and I need enough space to breathe on my own. But in the beginning, the fun part, I think people SHOULD spend a bunch of time together! That’s the only time it happens, as far as I’m concerned. The longer you’re together, the more you are fine with more “space”, and I think that’s because Consumer Confidence goes way up after a long time together. You’re not trying to impress them as much anymore. Although I am a big fan of always keeping things exciting, and I’m *not* someone who ever lets things go or gets complacent.

But in a perfect world, after a date or two it would be a given, for both parties. It should be made OBVIOUS. When it’s not OBVIOUS, the little wonderings creep in and it just sucks. I don’t know if guys need those reassurances. But I give them. I’m an OBVIOUS soul – as I said before, my Personality Type says it all. My face says it! If I dig you, I’ll look you in the eye when you’re talking. I’m visibly interested in what you’re saying (and if I’m not, you can always tell, I suck at faking interest). If I’m sitting close enough I’m probably touching something on you when I’m talking – I’m a pretty illustrative talker. But if I’m interested, you (and probably anyone watching) would know. If you’re NOT SURE if I like ya’…. It’s a safe bet that I DON’T.

Why can’t everyone be so obvious?

What’s crappy is that OBVIOUS = GOOD but OVERENTHUSIASTIC = BAD. And I think we, the Single People of America, are going to die trying to get to that Happy Medium. I personally would like to just call an 800 number today and be able to “push 1 to hear what that boy thinks of you”. ;-)

<3 NF

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