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Heaven’s New Chief Operating Officer

14 Jun

I’m pretty sure that when someone close in the family passes away (even if they aren’t close probably, just death in general), that everyone starts thinking deeper about life, death, love, their relationships with everyone and really cherishing life while we have it. And we KNOW we should be doing that hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. But a death close to home really makes people reflect, and that’s just how it is.

Late Sunday night, my 96 year old grandmother expired. I say expired, because literally that’s what happened. She reached her expiration date. She wasn’t terminally sick, she never had cancer, she never had any real illness – the woman was strong, healthy, and tough. She worked at the same place for 76 years! Who does that these days? Who does that at all…

She was the reason that I always went on trips and turned over every piece of china I was served on, to see if it said “Syracuse China” on the bottom. And finding out that plates in Hawaii, Las Vegas, and Miami were from the place my grandmother worked most of her life was so exciting to me! She was overbearing and she had to control everything – the most independent, strong woman in the family (now I put that title on my Aunt, who has taken care of her since she started to weaken and is the next generation of Tough, raised by the Toughest). She was on the Price Is Right, her favorite show. She LOVED to play Bingo. She taught me how to play. I used to go with her when I was younger and LOVED it. Thanks for showing me the thrill of gambling, Gram ;-) I used to spend hours in her basement playing her old out-of-tune piano, and when I got older she even bought me my own upright. She fostered my love of music and was always there to hear me.

A few days ago when I went to see her with my dad, she was at the end – weak, not able to speak clearly, see, or really hear well. At one point she looked toward my father (her son) and said “Joey, did you have breakfast?” I thought that was hilarious. Making sure he had breakfast until the bitter end, LOL. Realizing she was somewhat coherent, he said “Yannow, Nikki is here too.” She turned toward me on the other side of her bed and she said, “Oh. Nikki… I love you.”

THAT was the last thing I heard from my grandmother’s mouth and I’ll hold onto that one forever. Don’t we all wish we could have said that just one more time? I exchanged I Love You’s with my grandmother 2 days before she passed away. I’ll hold onto that memory forever, it was just fantastic. No one was prouder of me in anything I ever did than my grandmother, and that’s undisputable. ESPECIALLY in my endeavors as a vocalist. She would try to make me sing in front of EVERYONE. She wanted me to sing in church, she played recordings and videos of me for people who didn’t even know me at her house – she was prouder than proud. Me? I refused, no way was I singing in her church or anywhere else in front of her friends… but she finally got me. My Aunt called me this morning, letting me know that in my grandmother’s Last Wishes that she wrote out… she requested I sing the Ave Maria at her funeral. I’m half totally honored and half just laughing because she finally got me to sing in her church, now, didn’t she?! Ha! And so it shall be.

But really, no matter how many eyes rolled when she complained or called us repeatedly, hounded us to EAT EAT EAT at her house no matter how full we already were… she was it. The ultimate Martiarch. The woman was tougher than steel but she loved her family like crazy. I remember her answering machine messages at my parents’ house that ran on so long she’d run out the tape. I remember her force-feeding us pounds of cavatelli which will remain my favorite pasta forever (it’s just SO damn good, but no one makes a Gluten Free version!). I remember she would never throw out food and had a freezer full of stuff that no one wanted to touch because it had been there so long. I remember whenever she got a gift from someone she would give it to one of us – the queen of the Re-Gift. She never wanted to eat the boxes of chocolates she got, she would make us eat them. Those yellow Whitman’s Sampler boxes with the charts that told you what was in every chocolate… God those were delicious. LOL. Everything at her house seemed to revolve around food – and photos. She had so many photos of us in her dining room, like legit Display Cases full of them. I really wish she could have lived to see me (the last unmarried grandchild) get married… but I know whenever and wherever, she’ll stop what she’s doing to watch with an aerial view.

Getting older means inevitably parting with loved ones, as everyone gets older and we can’t stop time, disease, or fate from taking people one by one around us. But if we cherish the ones who cherish us, keep our closest all close, and make sure they know we love them – when they are no longer with us, we can all feel that peace in knowing they understood they were important to us. I’ve only lost one other family member who I was really close to, about 13 years ago. And no matter how long they lived or how “expected” it was, Lord does losing them hit you in the chest.

So this week is one for the books. Heaven gets a new COO this week. She’ll let God stay CEO, but she’s definitely going to run his day-to-day operations and she won’t take no for an answer.

<3 NF

Serenity NOW!

18 May

Well I have been EXTREMELY unavailable for a few weeks but that doesn’t mean my brain ever shuts off… Personally, I just completed the last phase of a complete and total re-vamp of my life and I officially “have my shit together” for the first time in probably 5 years. Gorgeous new Townhouse, new car, love my job, amazing relationship, fantastic friends and family around – everything is fantastic! A year ago I was nearly at my worst, mean and miserable and unhappy, and last summer I thought I would NEVER get back on my own feet again. Well, after moving into my new Townhouse last weekend, I can say the last piece of the puzzle is in. It’s been hectic and crazy but I wouldn’t have it any other way – and I have the most amazing man standing there next to me like a 6-foot-1 Fire Extinguisher every time I burst into flames. Literally. I could be yelling and melting down, throwing a fit and he just calms me down and takes it in stride. Never believed in Soulmates until now – he was put on this Earth for me to find (and we’ve lived LESS THAN ONE MILE from each other since we were little kids, I just never knew it – oh the stories I could tell about all our coincidences!).

That brings me to the thoughts I have about New Relationships. Since I can’t write about dating anymore (and thank God, really, I hated it), here I am 4 months into a new Relationship and it’s very different from any other one I’ve had in my life. I wish I could write or reach out to anyone who is dating and somehow GIFT them a relationship like mine but I really can’t figure out what it is exactly that makes it so perfect. I used to think there were all these rules and protocols to follow, but I haven’t stopped to think about anything at all in months – it just works. I have noticed a lot of core beliefs that we share and I wonder if those are really the center of the harmony…

RESPECT. If both parties are big on it, you never have to worry about anyone feeling slighted. Respect for each other’s time, respect for each other’s property, and respect for each other’s needs/wishes. If you’re really big on respect and you always respect your partner, but they don’t put the same importance on it (or vice versa) you will have IMMEDIATE problems and butt heads. One person will feel disrespected and unvalued – those feelings can lead to resentment and worse blowouts. Having a mutual respect level has been really refreshing.

ROMANCE. I never realized how important it is to be on the same playing field in terms of “the little things”. You can GET BY in a relationship when you’re not in tune on them, but you can’t reap the full benefits of a great love without matching up on them. Example: You do little things like sticking a lovenote on his windshield when he’s at work, maybe a card “just because” sometimes, etc… but he doesn’t believe in doing those kinds of things. You still will feel GREAT when he smiles and feels great getting his “little acts” of random romance… but eventually you’ll feel a little resentment that you aren’t receiving them too. And vice versa for guys – if your man surprises you with flowers, or a random note or card here and there – but you just don’t do things like that – eventually he will feel like his romantic efforts are wasted on you. A relationship is at its best when BOTH people are of the same kinds of romantic beliefs. Either you both don’t do romantic “little things” – or you both do.

CHILDREN. Another really tricky subject to bridge with your partner. I could never really figure out what I wanted to do about this myself – date a guy with a child so he understands how my life goes because I have one? Date a guy with none so we don’t have to create the Brady Bunch? After dating I realized I didn’t want a guy with an older child than mine – they’re already raised and I’m not reversing someone else’s problems. And then I realized that people who have never had a child cannot really comprehend exactly what it’s like TO have one. Then of course I found perfection in what I’m currently in… so agreeing and meshing on Parenting and children is REALLY important to a couple getting along. This goes for single, non-child-having people as well. If one WANTS kids in the future and one doesn’t (or “doesn’t know”), you really are going to have a hard time one day when that subject has to be discussed. May as well have it all hashed out early.

ACTIVITIES/INTERESTS. “We have a lot in common” doesn’t cut it, really. I have a lot in common with a lot of people, including every guy I’ve ever dated. That doesn’t mean you’ll get along well. I’m learning how important it is that both parties are on similar schedules – and not similar in time, but similar in genre. Not doing the same things at the same time, but being active and interested in the same KINDS of things – narrowed down. Example: I love music. A lot of people love music. That doesn’t mean we’d be great together. Specifically, I’m into the LYRICS of music, I like to WRITE music, feel music, dissect music… and I’m a musician. Nothing annoys me more than the statement “I don’t listen to the words”. I know LOTS OF PEOPLE who LOVE MUSIC who do not listen to the words, they don’t care what the MESSAGE is in the songs they just enjoy listening to them. As far as I’m concerned, that means I do not share their musical interests. There are a LOT of things like this where people say “Oh we have tons in common” but it’s a very general statement. Digging down into the core interests, I’m finding that it’s so much more satisfying to really LOVE some of the same things.


People are complex – we have so many quirks and faults, so many attributes and flaws… it’s really what makes life as a human so interesting and exciting. But I’m finding cuteness in little quirks, comfort in sharing ideas and beliefs… discovering someone else layer by layer is just so intriguing when you’re on the same page in the same book.

<3 NF

Once Upon A Dream

11 Apr

It’s remarkable that I’ve just put in and gotten back the most emotionally-charged couple of months in my 31 year history. No exaggeration, yet no real explanation – for the first time I literally do NOT have words that can relay what has occurred in my soul (I didn’t even believe I had one - at least not the one I’m seeing in myself lately).

It is unthinkable to my jaded self that anything like what’s going on could even affect me, as I’ve said in the past here even in writing “I don’t know when I became unemotional”… but that’s not the case anymore! I feel like I woke up, all of me has woken up. I smell new things in the air, feel new things on my skin – I feel like some weird cloudy glass I was viewing the world through has been pulled away and everything is just crystal clear. Where I once was overwhelmed by events in my life, I’m now able to rationally divide and conquer. Where I was once angry and bitter, I’m able to finally let go and shed those grudges and all of that anger. Where I was insecure and unconfident – I’m smiling without reservation and ready to take on every single day. Where I used to just SAY “kick ass – take names”, I am really waking up every day and doing just that with my life.

I wish like hell that I could take the feeling and the connection I’ve made and express it in WORDS, but I have tried to explain it to friends and family and words just don’t cut it! It’s like some kind of spirit is literally carrying me through my days, helping me make decisions and solve problems, cheering me on, and cheering me up. It’s like the feeling of being on stage performing, giving the absolute best show of your life and the crowd is behind you 100%. Except my crowd is just one, and I’m not on stage, I’m just being myself – and living life.

Being one’s self is natural, but I’m surprised at how many times I’ve NOT been myself for the sake of another. I have never been so ME before in my life. Example: Today in Starbucks, a guy walked in with a T-shirt that said in huge letters, “FREE HUGS”. What did I do? I walked up with open arms and hugged the guy. Then he handed me a marker and said “Now you have to sign it!” and I saw all the other names on the shirt from people who had hugged this guy all day! IT WAS AWESOME. He was doing something with a charity, too, which made it ten times better. There were people who just looked at him like he was nuts – but I’m the kind of person who will hug the guy in the FREE HUGS T-shirt. That’s who I am. I love people. And now I am free to be myself a THOUSAND percent. My coffee partner (not to demote him but he happened to be there!) actually thought it was great that I did it, and passed out a hug and a signature right along with me. THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

Jessica Simpson sang the song. “I can let my hair down, I can say anything crazy – I know you’ll catch me right before I hit the ground… with nothin’ but a T-shirt on, I never felt so beautiful as I do now…” YES YES YES! I have stumbled across someone who thinks almost exactly like me, who is accepting and giving and thoughtful and outgoing and social. Everything I am! Not to mention uber intelligent, and social, and tech savvy – and social! And speaking of SOCIAL, I’m NOT going to talk about this here in a public forum all the time, but I know he wouldn’t mind the bragging today because he’s just as Social as I am. I’ll just have to dissertate on other things because 1.) This is my reality and I’m gonna’ keep it to myself soon here, and 2.) everyone will get sick of stories about how perfect things are with us. ;-)

I really wanna talk about the best weekend of my whole life. There were drinks, dinner, and lots of music – not to mention a picture window. There were wineries out in the Finger Lakes, sunsets, music, people, hours and hours of laughter, and so many smiles my face still hurts. There was Sunday Mass in a beautiful church, breakfast, and friends. Even after the official weekend was over, there was a tandem volunteering effort at a facility that feeds needy people, where we helped serve breakfast. Sometimes I feel like when God created me, he took my personality and split it in half – saved that other half for a man he created one year later; Then gave us 30 years to locate each other.

I’ve said too much, I’m sure. But you have no idea how this feels. I would like to climb to the tallest elevation here in Central New York and yell it into the Ricola horn. But you can see all of this right on my face, hear it in my voice, and see it in how I walk like I’m treading on clouds. To be on the exact same wavelength, to love and hold high the same things – to instantly be able to finish sentences for someone else…

This is living. This is not going through motions… this is getting out what you put in… We may or may not have spent hours on end tonight, in the warm breeze on my back deck talking each other’s heads off. This. Is. Fantastic.

<3 NF

EDIT: I actually did not post this when I wrote it – I sent it to him first to make sure he was Kosher with it. Of course… he was. <3

If It’s WORK, It Doesn’t Work!

4 Apr

I knew this was going to turn itself into a Post one day, I just didn’t know when.

I don’t care how many college courses one takes in regards to Psychology, Sociology (both of which I took), or any Human Relationship courses – until you’ve been in and been through a metric shit ton of them, you have no ground on which to stand giving advice about them. My resume at this point speaks volumes, and I’m going to take the “Expert Testimony” on this subject here and now.

I can say with a certainty factor of 99% that if two people get together and after the Honeymoon Phase find that things between them require 20 hours a day of conscious effort and work… they don’t belong together. This after not only observing others in their relationships, but my own as well. The problem I see with this? In the beginning everything comes up roses. You have the meeting, the giggling, the courting, the Fairytale Honeymoon Phase. And if you drag that out for a year… you’re all comfy and sucked into it when the storm hits. Now what? You’re brainwashed. You might even be living together at that point.

Most people have seen what I am talking about. When someone’s “true colors” come out (and yours as well, because it takes two usually) after a while. At that point you’re trying harder and harder to steer things back into Honeymoon Mode. I know that we spent at LEAST the last year of my previous relationship, if not longer, trying to bail water out of a sinking ship, with one arm tied behind our backs, using a shot glass. How much work does that sound like?

But then I look at the SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS around me. I have one girlfriend who is happier than I’ve ever seen her. And I know how easy it’s been. She and her beau are just complimentary souls. Things work. It’s easy. They’re happy. Do they fight? Yeah I’m sure they do. But it’s not a constant uphill battle of personalities. It’s not a constant conflict of interests. And it’s not a situation where one of them is required to compromise who they are and change their entire being just to “make it work”. They accept each other.

Acceptance is a HUGE PART OF a good relationship, according to me. For example. I refer back to the past: Being called “stupid” for wanting to do things I’ve always loved to do. Hello? No namecalling. You start that, you may as well call a UHaul. Both parties had a life previous to getting together, and I firmly believe those lives should be kept as intact as possible. Your partner is just that – your partner! You can give and take, compromise on things (very important to a healthy relationship), but the one thing you cannot compromise on is YOURSELF. Because if he/she loves you, they should love you the way they found you. Don’t change who you are. If someone requires you to overhaul who you are JUST to peacefully co-exist with them… RUN!!! Because somewhere there is a person who requires you to change nothing but your underwear.

This is so easy to write, but so hard to remember when you’re a year into something and things start to change. I’ve promised myself I won’t forget this premise ever again. I look around and I have one girlfriend who is in a HORRIBLE relationship with constant, daily arguing and fighting, no trust (and rightfully so), extreme conflict of interests… it’s been like 3 years, and unfortunately they live together too. Should they marry? NO, OBVIOUSLY NOT. So why waste each other’s time? So easy to say, so hard to do. Another girlfriend I used to hear this from: “And YOU know how I am in a relationship, I drop EVERYTHING if the guy calls me to do something”. Healthy? No, not so much. That kind of desperation just INVITES someone to walk all over you. And the last guy she dated did EXACTLY that. You see these STUPID magazines and books claiming to contain information on “How To Make Him Want You”, but the honest truth is that it isn’t going to work if anyone has to use the power of persuasion to illusion another person into believing they want you. If he/she’s just not that into you – walk – because someone else will be. And the stress level is pretty much zero when it just WORKS -  but you have to stop changing others and yourself just to fit into something that isn’t right for you.

BOTTOM LINE: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO COMPROMISE WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON to PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE. If you find you have to do that in order to have what you define as a “good” relationship, you are in for a long, hard road of misery down the line.

There are so many couples you see who are together forever yet seem to be “opposites”. Do opposites attract? Maybe so. But the reality is that the two “opposite” people ACCEPTED each other the way they came in. One did not change into the other. If I am outgoing and crazy, and you are subdued and shy – ideally you should be with me because you ENJOY my spunky attitude, and I should ENJOY your stable and safe outlook on life. But YOU SHOULDN’T PLAN TO BECOME CRAZY to MATCH MY STYLE, and I SHOULDN’T PLAN TO BECOME SUBDUED to MATCH YOURS. Over time, people change, involuntarily. That’s not what I’m speaking to – I’m speaking to the actual EFFORT that some people put in to change themselves into what they think will “work better” for their partner.

No one is perfect, but the happiest couples are the ones who accept and love each other for EXACTLY who they are – even after the Honeymoon Phase. Oh… and I’m happiest when no one is trying to convince me to eat mushrooms. Gross.

<3 NF

Don’t Look Down

29 Mar

If you know me and you’re around, you know I speak in metaphors. A LOT. That really originated a long time ago when I had a good friend who was kinda’ stupid. Nothing my intelligent brain came out with could he really understand, so I would compare it to something else that he could make sense of. Constantly. 10 years later, I just use metaphors by default. Everyone’s used to it. I say, “It’s kinda’ like…” and people think, “Here she goes again…”

I realize that no one reading this has ever actually walked across a plank made of 2 x 4′s, 50 feet in the air, between two rooftops. But imagine it. Two buildings and a thin wooden plank between them. Your foot fits fine on them. You could walk across them just fine on the floor. So you could technically do it 300 feet in the air, too. But there’s a difference – if you do fall, 50 feet in the air you’re going to get seriously hurt.

So what do they say? DON’T. LOOK. DOWN.

And you can imagine it – if you look straight to the other side and just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, you could totally do it. But if you look down and your brain realizes just how high up you are and how dangerous that is, you might lose your balance and hurt yourself – or, obviously, die. But my Blog isn’t about the circus. It’s about Dating and Relationships.

The only way to ensure that you’ll never get your heart broken is to keep the damn thing to yourself. And that’s what some people do! And they never get hurt again. God Bless them. They get to a ripe old age totally alone – and they usually have a bunch of cats. Sidenote: I loathe cats.

But the only way for the rest of us to really thrive - those of us who despite having had a few real bad heartaches, operate on all cylinders when we can share feelings and thoughts with someone else – is to eventually walk the plank again. I just wish I could go online and find a Cheat Code to fast forward and know if I’m gonna’ fall off the plank and get all banged up, or if I’m using the adrenaline to focus on the other side and get through the challenging part.

I know that everyone says that you need to take chances. I have a quote on my desk I keep to remind me, by Erica Jong: “And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything – you risk even more.” I get that – but words and reality are so far removed from one another. I can talk and write all day about advice, and about how-to-do’s, but the actual hands-on experience is where the waters get muddy and the 2 x 4′s wobbly! Granted, there are some people who take that plank at a full-on SPRINT and never even have TIME to look down. But I think those people eventually over-shoot and fall off the side of the next building anyways. Rushing never got anyone anywhere safely.

So I ask you. Do you just keep walking? Do you turn around and go back, since you’ve only taken a few small scary steps? Safe may be a little boring, but safe is not painful. They don’t give you pads and protective gear on this. It’s not the X-Games, or Cirque Du Soleil. You get no tether.

I should be sleeping. ((sigh))

<3 NF

Code Yellow. Elevated Risk of Attack.

24 Mar

Oh this is where shit gets tricky. For me anyways.

It’s no secret that I’ve been out test-driving Syracuse’s Not-So-Finest for close to a year now, recounting the funny and stupid moments and basically musing about the whole process from my own point of view. Way back, I liked one who didn’t like me (well, he appeared to but we’ll leave that whole wacky situation to rest because he was certainly in the Top 3 Weirdest Humans I Know category), I couldn’t stand a few, and a couple might have grown on me if they didn’t try to stuff me into a body bag and drag me home to their families as a hostage. Met a few Fatal Attractions, and one I considered a Restraining Order against. In every case, it was an effort made to try and do the “right thing” and figure out what compliments me as a person, because I really haven’t any idea what my “type” is or what I even like in a guy anymore. I mean physically we know I dig brunettes and I hate skinny guys. But what really matters – the personality, heart, soul, brain, interests – I had no idea what I wanted there. When you get out of such a LONG relationship, especially one that ends with such a huge emotional upheaval, I know personally I made a mental list of the things I would do differently. What I wouldn’t do again, actually - and what I would do differently to protect myself from ever feeling that crazy range of emotions again. One of those things is to be with someone complimentary to my own personality and disposition. Not necessarily the SAME kind of person as myself, but one whose disposition compliments mine. Puzzle pieces. Some things you really need to be OPPOSITE of your partner on, because if you’re too much alike it can be like pouring gasoline on a fire. That is what I came from - and what I’m not going back to. He might have been my Best Friend, but at one point just too much alike to be peaceful.

WHAT do you do though when you’re not so much expecting or trying to seek anything out and find yourself at an Elevated Risk of Attack? I’m at a Code Yellow here! I usually sit at a nice even-keeled Code Blue (GUARDED). I’ve been at a Blue for… well I haven’t moved from there for as long as I can remember. You know my drill if you read this gibberish that I write – she’s angry, she’s jaded, she’s tough. If you get too close you’re suffocating me, if you stay too far away I’m bored. The girl is never happy.

So what if you’re NOT suffocating me, but you’re not evasive? What if you’re *not* playing that stupid “Guess what I think about you because I’m not saying it aloud” game? What if I’m having a nuclear meltdown and you’re the sea water that halts it in its tracks? Can someone REALLY be like the Price Is Right…. Just enough – without going over??? And what if you like all the same kinds of things? Hold all the same morals, values, core concepts? I mean really. Have you ever held a two-and-a-half-hour conversation with someone, face to face? I know I haven’t. Hadn’t…

So I’m kinda’ scared to death and kinda’ uber excited. IDENTICAL to the feeling that I get at the very top of the first huge hill of a fantastic roller coaster. I LOVE ROLLER COASTERS. And when you crest that very first enormous hill, right before you drop, you are PETRIFIED, but so excited because the adrenaline takes over and you’re anticipating the rush of that fall.

Yeah. That feeling.

Code Yellow.

<3 NF

“… scared of the bottom – afraid of the stairs…” ~ Gavin DeGraw

Meet Me In The Middle

16 Mar

Does there exist a Happy Medium in the Single World? Those who do not immediately want to Bogart as much of your time and self as possible… but who also don’t vaporize the majority of the time leaving you wondering if it’s even worth your effort to, well, make an effort. It seems to me that everyone is at one end of the spectrum and no one seems to like a nice healthy combination of give and take. Somewhere in between psycho and uninterested seems desirable.

- Inviting me on a cruise that is almost an entire year away when you’ve known me for 3 weeks: Psycho.

- Making me be the “man” and extend every invitation and sentiment myself: Uninterested.

Yes, I read “He’s Just Not That Into You” and I read it twice like Santa and his list. If you’re not a little aggressive, we assume we’re staying in Acquaintance Land. But if you’re trying to sew up every minute of our days, you need to calm the eff down. Is staying in the middle of the two really too much to ask?

I always repeat that it’s not Rocket Science, but maybe it’s harder than I thought. I mean come on. If you’re always the one trying to grab her time and she constantly has an excuse ready as to why she can’t give you any, take the hint and give up. Don’t make her actually SAY “You’re way too much, you’re driving me nuts.” And conversely, if she’s the one always making an effort with you, turn her down so she gets the hint or she’ll get real tired of feeling like she’s wearing the pants and give up trying. We REALLY don’t dig chasing anyone. I am willing to bet that even the hardest of the hardcore “tough girls” deep down want to be the girly girl and hand over the wheel. So either take that wheel – and drive – or stop at the next intersection and get out.

I know I’ve said 50 times how much I loathe dating and this is why. It’s not possible or proper to write the note you wrote in 2nd grade with the two checkboxes, and no one wants to just be real and honest, including me. How scary would it be to be that honest? What if you COULD pass the 2nd grade note: “I like you, do you like me? Check one, yes or no…” and it came back with the NO box checked? I mean, I know I’m in sales and all, but rejection is number one on the list of things that can ruin my entire outlook on life. There’s just no easy way to figure that stuff out. I think I’m going to re-read “He’s Just Not That Into You” one more time for good measure.

I wish boys came with Instruction Manuals and Comment Cards. If the Comment Card he comes with says repeatedly from other women that he’s clingy and suffocating, you could refuse any involvement from the start… and the Instruction Manual would have clues as to what his version of “interested” looks like.

And it’s this crap that runs through my crowded brain as I’m driving between appointments all day, fielding too much communication from one end of the spectrum and not enough from the other…

<3 NF

Define Sexy.

15 Mar

I have this conversation a lot with the girls. Ready to take it to the streets.

What is “sexy”? Usually when someone uses that word they aren’t using it to describe just someone’s outward appearance. Like any random good lookin’ model or actor/actress is normally referred to with other adjectives. Hot, smokin’, bangin’, etc.

For me (and assorted women I associate with), “sexy” is so much more than what a person looks like. It’s a combination effort. It always aggravates me when the shallow people say things like, “What is a guy that ugly doing with a girl that hot?” or vice versa. Now I WON’T say that looks don’t count. You bet your ass they count. Anyone who says otherwise is lying to your face.

But for how much do they count? How much of attraction is *not* physical? Remember the guy in High School who was just SO hilariously funny you always wanted to be around him? That’s a kind of attraction. The sensitive one who played the piano and wrote songs with meaningful lyrics? Attractive! The brainiac who sat with you in Biology and just impressed you like crazy with everything he knew about the central nervous system? Well OK that last one was probably just me. Nerds drive me crazy. But really, someone’s overall personality and aura is super, uber important. And in my opinion, personality contributes in a HUGE way to how sexy someone is.

If someone – male or female – is decent looking, they can become irresistible in a hurry if they have traits that draw you in. I think this is why so many famous musicians are considered overwhelmingly sexy. Dave Matthews is a middle aged dude who looks like he could possibly have an extra chromosome, has a fivehead receding hairline - REAL BASIC looking guy. Women everywhere wouldn’t hesitate to bang the guy’s brains out! He’s “sexy”. He’s singing (not even very well, to be honest, as a vocalist) about sensitive things, and when he talks he is funny, witty, seems like a guy you’d love to hang around with – and it draws you in. BINGO – SEXY. But if Dave Matthews walked into your office tomorrow as the New Guy, and he never spoke a word, no one would even notice him.

Please note, I do not find Dave Matthews even remotely sexy. But I know enough people who do, to know he is considered sexy. Now… Gerard Butler. With his Wolfman Jack beard and beer belly…. ask any random woman if she’d kick him out of bed for eating crackers. My answer is no…

But you get my drift, I assume. Sexy is not a description of appearance – I think it’s almost a Personality Type. It’s a whole package deal. I have a friend who met this girl – and the girl is not only a lot younger than him, but EXTREMELY attractive, intelligent, and really has it all. He constantly would say “She is so out of my league Nikki.” Well guess what? They’ve been together for months now and she’s crazy about him. DO YOU KNOW WHY? He’s sexy. Looks wise, he isn’t unattractive – tall, skinny and bald with really blue eyes and facial hair – and really quiet. You wouldn’t notice him sitting in your office either. But once you get to know him, he’s EXTREMELY witty, intelligent, fun, uber nice (if you’re on his good side), and talented. Add up all his intangible qualities with his outward appearance and BANG! The girl is hooked. There is no such thing as out-of-one’s-league when you’re sexy.

Sexy is not so much how you LOOK - as how you look AT someone. It’s not so much how your smile LOOKS – but how your smile FEELS to others. It’s not even as much how you feel standing NEAR that person… as it is how soon you want to stand near them again once you’ve walked away. It’s an overall attraction factor. I think Sexy can make or break a relationship. It’s just not enough to be physically attracted to someone, your senses all need to be involved.

I’ve heard my guy friends make jokes about not-so-attractive girls, “You’re not bangin’ her personality!”…

But dontcha’ want to?

<3 NF

It’s Not A Sprint… It’s a Marathon

13 Mar

Ahhh… Excess and Speed. The American Way.

Someone used this phrase in reference to alcohol consumption on St. Patrick’s Parade Day here in Syracuse. Too much, too fast – and you’ll never make it through the entire day. But of course my mind takes everything outside the box.

Too much, too fast – it’s suicide in ANY arena, really. But Excess is fun, and in some cases carries a little adrenaline rush with it too. I know personally, the pacing of myself is a tough venture in every aspect. And at first glance – like when you start a new job and you want to run and dive head first into kickin’ ass and takin’ names – it can appear to be the best idea. Impress those people! Get it! But after a month when you’re in way over your head and people are piling everything possible on your shoulders because you demonstrated that you were Superman… the slow ramp-up would have been a better idea, eh?

But then there is the whole unnaturalness of it all. Just rolling with what works is the natural way to go. Back to the alcohol – well, so-and-so is buying rounds. Then someone else buys shots. “Hey come do a shot!” Hey, why not. It’s fun, right? Next thing you know it’s 3pm and you’re ready to check out. So in reality I guess you were supposed to refuse a drink or two, ask not to be included in the round of shots… but the natural flow of things was to just go along with it.

And of course, since we know what all these posts revolve around, there is the unwritten scenario that I don’t even have to map out because I like to think my readers are of the intelligent variety ;-) But really, who doesn’t like what puts a smile on their face and maybe a little extra smirk in their days? Sometimes I really think we’re all better off just going with it. Go big or go home…

So WHAT is a girl to do? Can a Sprint just be part one of a possible Triathlon? Or do they just always end in broken ankles and shin splints? How do you know if you’d even be down for a Marathon if you don’t at least take a jog, anyways?

Not for nothing, but I’ve always hated running.

<3 NF

I’m including the song that’s in my head as I write this… Sleepytime Song for March 13th:

“You’d better know that in the end it’s better to say too much, than to never to say what you need to say again.”

“Even if your hands are shaking, and your faith is broken, even as the eyes are closing – do it with a heart wide open…”

Hints and Allegations

8 Mar

So this comes up a lot in conversation, and in a few different ways:

- “Well I dropped hints for weeks that I wanted him to, but he either didn’t get it or didn’t want to.”

- “I hinted around that I really like her, but I don’t know if she gets it.”

- “Can’t he take a HINT?!?”

Ahhh the HINT. Hint, hint! We do this so much, I think sometimes we don’t even realize we lost the ability to ask for what we want. I’m included, so don’t think I’m going all high and mighty on the motivational here. I’m a Hinter from way back! And for MANY years I’ve said “Guys just don’t take hints very well”… but I think I wanna retract that statement. I don’t think ANYONE takes hints well.

To “take a hint”, in one way, would be to assume someone is into you. And no one ever wants to make that kind of assumption, so it’s hard to convey. If you DO go on an assumption that someone else is into you, you could definitely find yourself embarrassed, humiliated, and probably hurt if you go on thinking that for too long and it turns out you had it wrong. But to take a hint in the opposite direction… that’s seemingly harder for people to grasp. The “I’M NOT INTO YOU” hint.

I will count myself among the precious few who take that hint immediately. It might be because I read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”, and I read it twice. Girls are FAMOUS for missing that hint, and it’s embarrassing. I don’t know how anyone cannot feel the obvious change in direction when something that was going along in an upward motion stops… and begins to fall back down the hill. But there is a change in the winds, folks. You can tell – if you’re paying any sort of attention. The problem is that a lot of people deny it and label it something else. I have a friend who is so good at justifying why a guy backed off, she should capitalize on her talent. He’s busy. It’s his job. It’s his family. His monkey is sick. He had to wash his hair this weekend.

TAKE. A. HINT.

If someone becomes harder to track down – stop trying. I have to say I did go out on a date with a guy once, and I had a nice time but “it” just wasn’t there, whatever “it” is, I was just OK with him. Like take it or leave it. So I left it. And he never once asked me why, never called after the FIRST non-returned phone call, and he let me be. I was so impressed with that. It’s never happened like that again, however, and as I’ve reiterated about the last one (who scared me, if I haven’t said so, the Fatal Attraction dude) there comes a point when a girl is literally saying to you aloud ”I FIND YOU EXTREMELY BORING, AND ANNOYING…” and you’re replying “BUT YOU AREN’T GIVING ME A CHANCE!” that you have to stop and realize you’re chasing someone who told you flat out they don’t like you. Did I mention that guy was also sobbing? Man I can pick ‘em.

I shouldn’t BE pickin’ em, I should be letting them do the pickin’. Except I’m too independent and I always initiate things on my own. I used to suck at it, too, and I’ve improved tenfold. But that is neither here nor there. I said my piece on the taking of the hints.

<3 NF

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