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Heaven’s New Chief Operating Officer

14 Jun

I’m pretty sure that when someone close in the family passes away (even if they aren’t close probably, just death in general), that everyone starts thinking deeper about life, death, love, their relationships with everyone and really cherishing life while we have it. And we KNOW we should be doing that hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. But a death close to home really makes people reflect, and that’s just how it is.

Late Sunday night, my 96 year old grandmother expired. I say expired, because literally that’s what happened. She reached her expiration date. She wasn’t terminally sick, she never had cancer, she never had any real illness – the woman was strong, healthy, and tough. She worked at the same place for 76 years! Who does that these days? Who does that at all…

She was the reason that I always went on trips and turned over every piece of china I was served on, to see if it said “Syracuse China” on the bottom. And finding out that plates in Hawaii, Las Vegas, and Miami were from the place my grandmother worked most of her life was so exciting to me! She was overbearing and she had to control everything – the most independent, strong woman in the family (now I put that title on my Aunt, who has taken care of her since she started to weaken and is the next generation of Tough, raised by the Toughest). She was on the Price Is Right, her favorite show. She LOVED to play Bingo. She taught me how to play. I used to go with her when I was younger and LOVED it. Thanks for showing me the thrill of gambling, Gram ;-) I used to spend hours in her basement playing her old out-of-tune piano, and when I got older she even bought me my own upright. She fostered my love of music and was always there to hear me.

A few days ago when I went to see her with my dad, she was at the end – weak, not able to speak clearly, see, or really hear well. At one point she looked toward my father (her son) and said “Joey, did you have breakfast?” I thought that was hilarious. Making sure he had breakfast until the bitter end, LOL. Realizing she was somewhat coherent, he said “Yannow, Nikki is here too.” She turned toward me on the other side of her bed and she said, “Oh. Nikki… I love you.”

THAT was the last thing I heard from my grandmother’s mouth and I’ll hold onto that one forever. Don’t we all wish we could have said that just one more time? I exchanged I Love You’s with my grandmother 2 days before she passed away. I’ll hold onto that memory forever, it was just fantastic. No one was prouder of me in anything I ever did than my grandmother, and that’s undisputable. ESPECIALLY in my endeavors as a vocalist. She would try to make me sing in front of EVERYONE. She wanted me to sing in church, she played recordings and videos of me for people who didn’t even know me at her house – she was prouder than proud. Me? I refused, no way was I singing in her church or anywhere else in front of her friends… but she finally got me. My Aunt called me this morning, letting me know that in my grandmother’s Last Wishes that she wrote out… she requested I sing the Ave Maria at her funeral. I’m half totally honored and half just laughing because she finally got me to sing in her church, now, didn’t she?! Ha! And so it shall be.

But really, no matter how many eyes rolled when she complained or called us repeatedly, hounded us to EAT EAT EAT at her house no matter how full we already were… she was it. The ultimate Martiarch. The woman was tougher than steel but she loved her family like crazy. I remember her answering machine messages at my parents’ house that ran on so long she’d run out the tape. I remember her force-feeding us pounds of cavatelli which will remain my favorite pasta forever (it’s just SO damn good, but no one makes a Gluten Free version!). I remember she would never throw out food and had a freezer full of stuff that no one wanted to touch because it had been there so long. I remember whenever she got a gift from someone she would give it to one of us – the queen of the Re-Gift. She never wanted to eat the boxes of chocolates she got, she would make us eat them. Those yellow Whitman’s Sampler boxes with the charts that told you what was in every chocolate… God those were delicious. LOL. Everything at her house seemed to revolve around food – and photos. She had so many photos of us in her dining room, like legit Display Cases full of them. I really wish she could have lived to see me (the last unmarried grandchild) get married… but I know whenever and wherever, she’ll stop what she’s doing to watch with an aerial view.

Getting older means inevitably parting with loved ones, as everyone gets older and we can’t stop time, disease, or fate from taking people one by one around us. But if we cherish the ones who cherish us, keep our closest all close, and make sure they know we love them – when they are no longer with us, we can all feel that peace in knowing they understood they were important to us. I’ve only lost one other family member who I was really close to, about 13 years ago. And no matter how long they lived or how “expected” it was, Lord does losing them hit you in the chest.

So this week is one for the books. Heaven gets a new COO this week. She’ll let God stay CEO, but she’s definitely going to run his day-to-day operations and she won’t take no for an answer.

<3 NF

Serenity NOW!

18 May

Well I have been EXTREMELY unavailable for a few weeks but that doesn’t mean my brain ever shuts off… Personally, I just completed the last phase of a complete and total re-vamp of my life and I officially “have my shit together” for the first time in probably 5 years. Gorgeous new Townhouse, new car, love my job, amazing relationship, fantastic friends and family around – everything is fantastic! A year ago I was nearly at my worst, mean and miserable and unhappy, and last summer I thought I would NEVER get back on my own feet again. Well, after moving into my new Townhouse last weekend, I can say the last piece of the puzzle is in. It’s been hectic and crazy but I wouldn’t have it any other way – and I have the most amazing man standing there next to me like a 6-foot-1 Fire Extinguisher every time I burst into flames. Literally. I could be yelling and melting down, throwing a fit and he just calms me down and takes it in stride. Never believed in Soulmates until now – he was put on this Earth for me to find (and we’ve lived LESS THAN ONE MILE from each other since we were little kids, I just never knew it – oh the stories I could tell about all our coincidences!).

That brings me to the thoughts I have about New Relationships. Since I can’t write about dating anymore (and thank God, really, I hated it), here I am 4 months into a new Relationship and it’s very different from any other one I’ve had in my life. I wish I could write or reach out to anyone who is dating and somehow GIFT them a relationship like mine but I really can’t figure out what it is exactly that makes it so perfect. I used to think there were all these rules and protocols to follow, but I haven’t stopped to think about anything at all in months – it just works. I have noticed a lot of core beliefs that we share and I wonder if those are really the center of the harmony…

RESPECT. If both parties are big on it, you never have to worry about anyone feeling slighted. Respect for each other’s time, respect for each other’s property, and respect for each other’s needs/wishes. If you’re really big on respect and you always respect your partner, but they don’t put the same importance on it (or vice versa) you will have IMMEDIATE problems and butt heads. One person will feel disrespected and unvalued – those feelings can lead to resentment and worse blowouts. Having a mutual respect level has been really refreshing.

ROMANCE. I never realized how important it is to be on the same playing field in terms of “the little things”. You can GET BY in a relationship when you’re not in tune on them, but you can’t reap the full benefits of a great love without matching up on them. Example: You do little things like sticking a lovenote on his windshield when he’s at work, maybe a card “just because” sometimes, etc… but he doesn’t believe in doing those kinds of things. You still will feel GREAT when he smiles and feels great getting his “little acts” of random romance… but eventually you’ll feel a little resentment that you aren’t receiving them too. And vice versa for guys – if your man surprises you with flowers, or a random note or card here and there – but you just don’t do things like that – eventually he will feel like his romantic efforts are wasted on you. A relationship is at its best when BOTH people are of the same kinds of romantic beliefs. Either you both don’t do romantic “little things” – or you both do.

CHILDREN. Another really tricky subject to bridge with your partner. I could never really figure out what I wanted to do about this myself – date a guy with a child so he understands how my life goes because I have one? Date a guy with none so we don’t have to create the Brady Bunch? After dating I realized I didn’t want a guy with an older child than mine – they’re already raised and I’m not reversing someone else’s problems. And then I realized that people who have never had a child cannot really comprehend exactly what it’s like TO have one. Then of course I found perfection in what I’m currently in… so agreeing and meshing on Parenting and children is REALLY important to a couple getting along. This goes for single, non-child-having people as well. If one WANTS kids in the future and one doesn’t (or “doesn’t know”), you really are going to have a hard time one day when that subject has to be discussed. May as well have it all hashed out early.

ACTIVITIES/INTERESTS. “We have a lot in common” doesn’t cut it, really. I have a lot in common with a lot of people, including every guy I’ve ever dated. That doesn’t mean you’ll get along well. I’m learning how important it is that both parties are on similar schedules – and not similar in time, but similar in genre. Not doing the same things at the same time, but being active and interested in the same KINDS of things – narrowed down. Example: I love music. A lot of people love music. That doesn’t mean we’d be great together. Specifically, I’m into the LYRICS of music, I like to WRITE music, feel music, dissect music… and I’m a musician. Nothing annoys me more than the statement “I don’t listen to the words”. I know LOTS OF PEOPLE who LOVE MUSIC who do not listen to the words, they don’t care what the MESSAGE is in the songs they just enjoy listening to them. As far as I’m concerned, that means I do not share their musical interests. There are a LOT of things like this where people say “Oh we have tons in common” but it’s a very general statement. Digging down into the core interests, I’m finding that it’s so much more satisfying to really LOVE some of the same things.


People are complex – we have so many quirks and faults, so many attributes and flaws… it’s really what makes life as a human so interesting and exciting. But I’m finding cuteness in little quirks, comfort in sharing ideas and beliefs… discovering someone else layer by layer is just so intriguing when you’re on the same page in the same book.

<3 NF

John Takes the Stage

27 Apr

So I got the pleasure of attending the Crystal Ball Awards last night, where John Stage – CEO and founder of the world-famous Dinosaur BBQ – was honored and given an award for Excellence in Marketing. The irony in that is that he is a self-taught marketer, and ultimately a self-taught entrepreneur! He has spent over 22 years growing what started out as peppers, onions, and steak sandwiches into the most recognized name in Barbecue in the Northeast.

To listen to this guy speak, you just want to go out and get yourself a startup. He makes you feel like you can do anything you have a passion for – I could listen to his stories all day. I was so overly impressed with him! The last year or so I’ve begun reading and learning a lot beyond my general marketing and social media background, and it fascinates me. Entrepreneurs FASCINATE me. People who take chances and dive in headfirst – who put it all on the line with a belief that they will be successful – that is what’s great about America. Those are the people I look up to the most.

John told of being broke, nearly closing the Dinosaur’s doors more than once… he even told us of an unorthodox financial situation (“Left pocket is my personal money, right pocket is the business money, and the bank is in my boot!”), but this guy BELIEVED in what he had, believed that people would love it… and boy, do we love it! Now he has 4 Dinosaur BBQ’s all over NY State and plans for even more! But to get something off the ground… that takes so much perseverance, faith, motivation, will, and strength. John has all that and then some. He told us about touring the South to get the REAL low down on REAL Southern Barbecue… he did more than just his homework. So that we in Upstate New York could have this gem to brag about and salivate over for many years to come.

He used to be just a biker who loved Barbecue. Now… he is just a really RICH biker who loves Barbecue. The guy definitely deserves everything he has – and the VERY FIRST PEOPLE HE CREDITED before he dove into his acceptance speech? His WAIT STAFF. I found that to be so real, so genuine. He’s an inspiration to ANY aspiring startup, ANY entrepreneur, and really anyone who has ever questioned their footing or ability in a venture. Basically he represented and embodied the premise “If you’re passionate about it, go for it.” John Stage is a class act and a real, genuine dude – funny, intelligent, intuitive, and the kind of guy you want sailing the ship for sure. I just had to pass that along.

<3 NF

The Night I Opened For Bret Michaels

22 Apr

Time for me to tell a story unrelated to dating, relationships, or anything but me and the most magical day of my life thus far!

So last Sunday night I got to be one of the opening bands for the legendary Bret Michaels. Now like him or not, he’s become a pop culture phenomena. For me, he is just the lead singer of Poison, from growing up. I always loved Poison. But I’m at an age where I could care less about Reality TV and I thought Rock Of Love was kinda’… well pointless. I did catch his last show – was it called “Life As I Know It”? I think? I caught a few episodes and it was cute. You can definitely tell what a great guy he is. And his kids are adorable. But anyways… he is big doings. And as the date drew near, I got a case of nerves I’ve never had before! I’m just a small town girl. This was the coolest thing I’ve ever fallen into.

I got to the Casino (Turning Stone – Verona, NY) a few hours before the show to settle into the dressing room and get ready with ample time. Stepped out on the stage and just felt adrenaline like crazy – the Showroom at Turning Stone is gorgeous. It’s set up with all table seating, the place is really nice – and the SOUND is PHENOMENAL! The staff was FANTASTIC, and totally treated us all like Rockstars. I had a separate dressing room set for me just because I’m female! But of course my band joined me in my room, I didn’t need all that to myself. There was a separate bathroom in every dressing room, so I had a place to change alone. I needed the guys in there – it was like a Family Dinner. Without any dinner.

Pete Evick, Bret’s guitarist, was the Most Valuable Player in all of this. He was the one I kept in touch with through Email every month or so after the original botched show that never happened back in August. When the August show we were SUPPOSED to open for got cancelled by the promoter, the band showed up – Bret included – and I went down and got to chit-chat with them for a bit. I kept in touch with Pete, and he always maintained that as soon as they came back through Central New York, that we would be able to keep that opening slot – and after almost 9 months, he delivered. The guy is just a class act, and the happiest guy with the biggest smile. He LOVES what he does and it comes through like a ray of sun busts through the clouds. I took a ton of video during Bret’s show and Pete is just up there rippin’ out face-melting guitar solos and smiling like he’s insane. LOVE. THAT. GUY. At one point he met with each of the openers in the Production room, thanked us for coming out to play… I took two steps forward and HUGGED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. It was hilarious. I couldn’t speak I could just hug. I must have hugged 85 people last night. People were like “HEY, YOU WERE GREAT!” sticking hands out to shake mine - no, no handshakes – I hugged them all. Free Hugs. That was me. And I got to sit with my dad and my best friends down in the FRONT ROW for the Bret Michaels Band part of the evening, which was FRIGGIN’ GREAT!

The whole experience was surreal. Definitely the best day of my life, feeling-wise, rivaling the day I had my daughter – but that involved needles and pain so it goes in a separate category. My knees were shaking the entire time I was on stage, and I honestly was concentrating every MINUTE up there on just not falling. My shoes were deadly. But I made it!! I teetered once but I don’t think it was obvious. The place was sold out, the crowd was SO into it, and I would do that gladly every night of my life if I could. There aren’t a lot of feelings like that one.

Well there’s one, and since I’m experiencing both of these at the same time you can bet that I’m on some kind of high I can’t come down from – nor do I want to! This last couple of months have just grown steadily better and better, and nothing looks to be going anywhere but straight up.

<3 NF

Code Yellow. Elevated Risk of Attack.

24 Mar

Oh this is where shit gets tricky. For me anyways.

It’s no secret that I’ve been out test-driving Syracuse’s Not-So-Finest for close to a year now, recounting the funny and stupid moments and basically musing about the whole process from my own point of view. Way back, I liked one who didn’t like me (well, he appeared to but we’ll leave that whole wacky situation to rest because he was certainly in the Top 3 Weirdest Humans I Know category), I couldn’t stand a few, and a couple might have grown on me if they didn’t try to stuff me into a body bag and drag me home to their families as a hostage. Met a few Fatal Attractions, and one I considered a Restraining Order against. In every case, it was an effort made to try and do the “right thing” and figure out what compliments me as a person, because I really haven’t any idea what my “type” is or what I even like in a guy anymore. I mean physically we know I dig brunettes and I hate skinny guys. But what really matters – the personality, heart, soul, brain, interests – I had no idea what I wanted there. When you get out of such a LONG relationship, especially one that ends with such a huge emotional upheaval, I know personally I made a mental list of the things I would do differently. What I wouldn’t do again, actually - and what I would do differently to protect myself from ever feeling that crazy range of emotions again. One of those things is to be with someone complimentary to my own personality and disposition. Not necessarily the SAME kind of person as myself, but one whose disposition compliments mine. Puzzle pieces. Some things you really need to be OPPOSITE of your partner on, because if you’re too much alike it can be like pouring gasoline on a fire. That is what I came from - and what I’m not going back to. He might have been my Best Friend, but at one point just too much alike to be peaceful.

WHAT do you do though when you’re not so much expecting or trying to seek anything out and find yourself at an Elevated Risk of Attack? I’m at a Code Yellow here! I usually sit at a nice even-keeled Code Blue (GUARDED). I’ve been at a Blue for… well I haven’t moved from there for as long as I can remember. You know my drill if you read this gibberish that I write – she’s angry, she’s jaded, she’s tough. If you get too close you’re suffocating me, if you stay too far away I’m bored. The girl is never happy.

So what if you’re NOT suffocating me, but you’re not evasive? What if you’re *not* playing that stupid “Guess what I think about you because I’m not saying it aloud” game? What if I’m having a nuclear meltdown and you’re the sea water that halts it in its tracks? Can someone REALLY be like the Price Is Right…. Just enough – without going over??? And what if you like all the same kinds of things? Hold all the same morals, values, core concepts? I mean really. Have you ever held a two-and-a-half-hour conversation with someone, face to face? I know I haven’t. Hadn’t…

So I’m kinda’ scared to death and kinda’ uber excited. IDENTICAL to the feeling that I get at the very top of the first huge hill of a fantastic roller coaster. I LOVE ROLLER COASTERS. And when you crest that very first enormous hill, right before you drop, you are PETRIFIED, but so excited because the adrenaline takes over and you’re anticipating the rush of that fall.

Yeah. That feeling.

Code Yellow.

<3 NF

“… scared of the bottom – afraid of the stairs…” ~ Gavin DeGraw

It’s Not A Sprint… It’s a Marathon

13 Mar

Ahhh… Excess and Speed. The American Way.

Someone used this phrase in reference to alcohol consumption on St. Patrick’s Parade Day here in Syracuse. Too much, too fast – and you’ll never make it through the entire day. But of course my mind takes everything outside the box.

Too much, too fast – it’s suicide in ANY arena, really. But Excess is fun, and in some cases carries a little adrenaline rush with it too. I know personally, the pacing of myself is a tough venture in every aspect. And at first glance – like when you start a new job and you want to run and dive head first into kickin’ ass and takin’ names – it can appear to be the best idea. Impress those people! Get it! But after a month when you’re in way over your head and people are piling everything possible on your shoulders because you demonstrated that you were Superman… the slow ramp-up would have been a better idea, eh?

But then there is the whole unnaturalness of it all. Just rolling with what works is the natural way to go. Back to the alcohol – well, so-and-so is buying rounds. Then someone else buys shots. “Hey come do a shot!” Hey, why not. It’s fun, right? Next thing you know it’s 3pm and you’re ready to check out. So in reality I guess you were supposed to refuse a drink or two, ask not to be included in the round of shots… but the natural flow of things was to just go along with it.

And of course, since we know what all these posts revolve around, there is the unwritten scenario that I don’t even have to map out because I like to think my readers are of the intelligent variety ;-) But really, who doesn’t like what puts a smile on their face and maybe a little extra smirk in their days? Sometimes I really think we’re all better off just going with it. Go big or go home…

So WHAT is a girl to do? Can a Sprint just be part one of a possible Triathlon? Or do they just always end in broken ankles and shin splints? How do you know if you’d even be down for a Marathon if you don’t at least take a jog, anyways?

Not for nothing, but I’ve always hated running.

<3 NF

I’m including the song that’s in my head as I write this… Sleepytime Song for March 13th:

“You’d better know that in the end it’s better to say too much, than to never to say what you need to say again.”

“Even if your hands are shaking, and your faith is broken, even as the eyes are closing – do it with a heart wide open…”

Right Place, Right Time

27 Feb

Well OK, so I was *not* in the right place at the right time on Friday when I slipped on ice, twisted my ankle in the wrong direction and snapped it. I did, however, manage to make it inside the building to meet with a client who I also have to thank for icing my ankle while we talked business. And then I made it back to my office to finish some calls and a proposal, and did not hit up the Emergency Room until my workday had ended. I would love to say that’s because I’m the hardest working woman you know. But it was definitely out of fear. I shalt not take any time off. No sir.

But in every other way, I think I am in the right place at the right time. My life situation is less than ideal, but I was having a conversation today relaying some past events to another person and for the first time I said aloud, “I threw away everything, but I know it was the right decision.” I’ve never said that aloud. I don’t know how convinced of that I was before, to be honest. Saying that today was like “OH! Yes. Yes, I do believe that!” Just because something results in an immediate hardship doesn’t mean it was the wrong move. The great thing about being human and having brains and determination is that everything is changeable with a little work and a lot of drive.

I think my head is clear enough at this point to make some Big Girl decisions. Still with caution. I think for me Caution is the theme of the year. Anytime I have thrown caution to the wind, I have either hurt someone or gotten myself hurt in the process. I don’t like either of those! This time I’m going Cautious, with Checkpoints. Little evaluations along the way. In sales we call them “mini closes”. Going along in time and then stopping to say “Does this make sense?” and “Do we agree on this?” It’s like a flow chart: If YES ———> Proceed to the next number. If NO ————> Evaluate a possible solution, or think about closing it out.

So let’s get into another fantastic week, because no matter how crappy a day or a week may turn out, they all start with the possibility of being FANTASTIC! Tomorrow will be warm for Central New York, which sets me up for a real bout of Spring Fever. Even with a crappy day, I try to remind myself that my life has been MUCH worse, and is on an incline toward the top of my Mountain – no longer anywhere near the bottom of the Valley I once was in.

Cheers to positivity – kickin’ ass, takin’ names!

<3 NF

Laughing is Half The Battle

24 Feb

You would think this would be a real no-brainer – but never assume anything when it’s me you’re dealing with. I was just sitting here laughing aloud at something a guy had sent me via Email, and I realized how important it is for me to be with someone who loves to laugh and joke around. I realized that the dude I was seeing before was so painfully boring to me because of the lack of that lighthearted, screwy sense of humor. Like ball-busting, goofy, quoting stupid comedy movies – quoting comedians. There is a “type” of person who I am thinking of when I say this. Someone who ISN’T of the character type would say in defense “But I joke, I laugh, I do those things” because they attempt humor and enjoy some laughs… but it’s hard to put into words the difference between the real personality type I’m talking about – and the straight-and-narrow occasional laugher. That snoozer is the kind of person who tries and fails at goofy humor, but cracks themselves up in the process. Often he’s the only one in the room laughing – and often has to say “That was a joke, albeit a bad one”. Yeah. Sorry buddy. Go read a book. Eat a Veggie Burger.

But the real good goofball is the kind who has their shit together – has a Big Boy Job, a car, a large vocabulary, and can put on a suit and act the part of a Business Professional but at 5pm all bets are off. After Hours he’s got a comeback for everything, a joke for everything, he knows every stupid comedy movie (yeah I should have RUN when I quoted Anchorman to the last guy and he looked at me confused, so I said “Didn’t you see Anchorman?” and his reply was “I don’t remember”. Anchorman is not a movie you forget seeing). I’d love to invent a term for “That Guy” who just GETS IT. Rarely serious (can be serious when necessary, and also knows exactly when it’s time to be serious), always in a good mood, always laughing. Their face alone can make you smile. I am SURE you know one of these guys. I’ll just call them the Laugherati. Literati, Twitterati, Laugherati.

But there is just something about that personality type that people like myself are so drawn to. People who have a comeback immediately without much thought. And really that goes for girls, guys, friends or otherwise. It’s the kind of circle I keep around me, and everyone has that in common. MIGHT be why it’s a laugh riot whenever any of us get together. Last night my friends and I were so intensely fun that the 2 ladies at the next table ended up JOINING US to walk from the restaurant to a bar, and hanging out with us the rest of the night. Random women who just thought we were a good time. I take that as a compliment to our personalities!

Live, Laugh, Love. Fo sho.

<3 NF

Restlessness

21 Feb

I hate it! It’s my Personality Type. I’m easily bored, and constantly restless. But into my 30′s now, I’m noticing it’s getting worse with age. I like to be challenged, and right now I’m bored off my rocker. Some of it I can’t discuss, it’s work-related. But also I’m frustrated in this stupid dating bologna because:

A. I’m alone.

B. I don’t want to be alone.

C. I am not ready to date.

B and C cancel each other out, leaving just A. That’s not cool! I’m 31 and my last relationship situation was devastating. It could take years to really fully recover from. So what of it? I’m probably just wasting someone’s time if I date, because no doubt I’ll find 40 things I can’t stand again. It’s been the norm. Although to be honest, the last one was pretty friggin’ bad. Judgement call. Don’t ever judge a dude based on 3 hours of music talk. It turned out to be the only thing that didn’t bore me to tears. YAWN.

I’m new at this. I was off the Market for many years. It’s also very, very hard to push to the back of my brain the fact that I’m going to be 32 years old very soon. 224 in Dog Years! Christ.

But at 32, ya figure even if you meet someone worthy, you’re looking at a good year or more Courting. Another good year or more engaged. That rounds up to 3 years. 35. So what? No time to hang out and travel… Gotta work on the kid. And to be honest, I don’t wanna do it at 35! 36 with a newborn, BLAH. And that’s if being 36 doesn’t cause problems in that department. This is in a “normal” scenario. Nothing in my life or luck is ever normal.

It is damn near impossible NOT to think about those facts, though. Some women don’t want children and don’t need to think about this. It’s kind-of a big deal for me though. So what of it now? Hang out alone for a year, hope the hurt of the last crap fades enough to become non-influential in my dating dealings? Or truck on through and come what may, not turning down things that may turn out to be great? These are my questions. They shall go unanswered, since I am damned if I do or don’t.

So. Really I accomplished nothing with this post other than to bitch about how restless I feel. It happens. It’s my Blog.

<3 NF

Private Eyes, They’re Watching You

17 Feb

Someone posed this question, and I couldn’t give my answer in 140 Characters or less. But I wanted to talk about it. So I bring it here to my space where I can blah blah all night. The question was: Is it appropriate to read your significant other’s texts/Emails/Facebook messages? And part two was “Some say privacy is necessary; others say relationships involve relinquishing privacy, what do you think?”

I would love to hear readers’ thoughts on this as well, but here is my (always) very strong feeling about this, having been in some great and some awful Relationships involving this issue:

It is NOT appropriate to dig through your significant other’s communications with other people. Absolutely NOT. If you have a level of trust that you feel necessitates that kind of behavior, you should be looking into the trust and insecurity issues of your relationship instead. Relationships DO NOT involve relinquishing privacy, in much the same way that a HEALTHY relationship should not be one in which you give up your identity and melt into the other, but rather two independent people who do not “complete” one another but stand on their own and enjoy being together as best friends and lovers. In other words, I am me – and you are you. Always. There is an “us” and a “we” but that is not all there is, because two people in a Relationship need THEMSELVES as well.

I have been in both situations and I have to say that one of the BEST THINGS about my former 3 year relationship was exactly this. It was a non-issue. I’ve never read any of my Ex’s Email. I didn’t ever feel like there was a reason for me to! I am talking about the “good years”, of course.

Conversely, however, the REASON I never felt the need to read anything was that it wasn’t hidden. Yeah I knew he used basically the same password for every account. And there were times he gave me passwords to go in and fix something in his account settings for him on a Social Networking site or something. No big deal. I didn’t need to monitor them. But they were there if I wanted to. His phone was always laying around the house – and so was mine. BUT: If your significant other is blatantly hiding something, you may have a reason to look around. If they start locking the phone, changing passwords, guarding their communications with others – then you probably have a reason to break the code. Me? I just ask. “Hey. You are starting to lock everything up, and you didn’t used to. What’s the issue…” I am a COMMUNICATOR. I will always ask, for my own piece of mind. Sometimes they could be discussing a surprise for you – maybe he is planning to propose to you and his friend is coaching him!

And how crappy would it be if you were snooping through his stuff all the time and always found out when he was planning a surprise? You’d see Email Confirmations from him ordering things for you online. You’d see advice from his best friend on throwing your Birthday Party. COME ON! Have some trust. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship. Not a strong one. When I speak about my last relationship I almost ALWAYS repeat the same thing every time: “At least I know he never cheated.” You should know they aren’t doing anything to disrespect your relationship behind your back, and if you have any reason to doubt it – you should leave. I enjoyed that trust more than (almost) anything else.

So yeah. I guess you can HAVE my passwords and snoop through my cell phone. But you shouldn’t want to. People do need their privacy, Relationship or not. And also keep in mind that people have to vent. I need to vent, you need to vent. What if I text my best friend after we argue and say “UGH! He is so friggin’ STUBBORN!” and a few days later he sees that message on my phone. Of course his feelings will be hurt all over again, when really I was just venting to my friend which is healthy and we all do it. So no, I do NOT agree with going through your partner’s electronic media. There should be no reason.

<3 NF

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