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Right Place, Right Time

27 Feb

Well OK, so I was *not* in the right place at the right time on Friday when I slipped on ice, twisted my ankle in the wrong direction and snapped it. I did, however, manage to make it inside the building to meet with a client who I also have to thank for icing my ankle while we talked business. And then I made it back to my office to finish some calls and a proposal, and did not hit up the Emergency Room until my workday had ended. I would love to say that’s because I’m the hardest working woman you know. But it was definitely out of fear. I shalt not take any time off. No sir.

But in every other way, I think I am in the right place at the right time. My life situation is less than ideal, but I was having a conversation today relaying some past events to another person and for the first time I said aloud, “I threw away everything, but I know it was the right decision.” I’ve never said that aloud. I don’t know how convinced of that I was before, to be honest. Saying that today was like “OH! Yes. Yes, I do believe that!” Just because something results in an immediate hardship doesn’t mean it was the wrong move. The great thing about being human and having brains and determination is that everything is changeable with a little work and a lot of drive.

I think my head is clear enough at this point to make some Big Girl decisions. Still with caution. I think for me Caution is the theme of the year. Anytime I have thrown caution to the wind, I have either hurt someone or gotten myself hurt in the process. I don’t like either of those! This time I’m going Cautious, with Checkpoints. Little evaluations along the way. In sales we call them “mini closes”. Going along in time and then stopping to say “Does this make sense?” and “Do we agree on this?” It’s like a flow chart: If YES ———> Proceed to the next number. If NO ————> Evaluate a possible solution, or think about closing it out.

So let’s get into another fantastic week, because no matter how crappy a day or a week may turn out, they all start with the possibility of being FANTASTIC! Tomorrow will be warm for Central New York, which sets me up for a real bout of Spring Fever. Even with a crappy day, I try to remind myself that my life has been MUCH worse, and is on an incline toward the top of my Mountain – no longer anywhere near the bottom of the Valley I once was in.

Cheers to positivity – kickin’ ass, takin’ names!

<3 NF

Ode To Singleness

24 Feb

My head just won’t quit tonight.

So we’ve come to the part of the program where I think I should do an Ode to what’s fantastic about being single. As you’ve heard by now, I haven’t been single much in the last 10 years. And that was because after a long-term relationship, somehow I would run into someone after a couple of months and BAM… be with them for years. Rinsed and repeated. 8-9 months of this singleness thing now, and I guess there ARE a few positives. And I think the things I LIKE about being single are also kinda’ things that have made me stop and back up when I’ve started to hang around with someone. But let’s see…

Being a single girl is FANTASTIC because…

… I don’t have to report to anyone. I can do what I want, when I want, change my mind if I want – three times. There is a certain amount of required respect when you’re in a relationship to kinda’ let them in on your life’s doings. I need not do so. If I want to hang out with my best friend 15 days in a row, so be it. If I wanna take off to another state for the weekend? Don’t mind if I do.

… flirting is so much fun sometimes. I’m not even gonna’ lie, I dig it – but it’s off-limits for me when I’m in a relationship. I know a lot of people see it as harmless and do it even in marriages, and that’s their thing. But I’m strictly a one-man woman, so I’m enjoying “The Flirt” while I’m allowed to.

… it gives you all kinds of confidence. I like getting dolled up to go out with the girls! And I’m not one of the girls who gets into a relationship and disappears into thin air, I still go do things with my friends but it’s not the same as when you’re single. Single girls have a different air about us, it’s more exciting and confidence-boosting when we get together and go out. It’s kind-of like proving to ourselves that we “still got it”. Whatever works!

… dates are FUN! There was nothing crappier than saying in my last relationship after 2 years “Honey we never go on dates anymore” and hearing him say, “We’ve been together for two years Nikki, we don’t have to go on dates anymore.” Yup, he said that. I don’t believe that should ever happen, because dating is actually a lot of fun even many years into it! Not every weekend needs to be a 4 course meal in a dress, but sometimes chicks want to feel special. And when you’re single – you can go on a date every day if you want! Dates are fun. Even the bad ones, because then you can’t wait to talk to your friends about what an idiot he was…

So really I guess getting into something more serious than a few random dates with someone happens ultimately when being with that person feels as good as the best “single moments” like the above, and remains that way (or gets even better) over time. I don’t ever trust that first month or so, that’s ALWAYS fun. It’s after that when the true colors start to come out and the better you get to know someone, the better your judgement can be. As I said before of that last weirdo, don’t make a dating decision based on 3 hours of drunk conversation about music. FAIL.

I’m enjoying myself, for the most part. I gig every single weekend, that in itself is just SO much fun. I’m never bored, I never have much time that goes unaccounted for. Being super busy has its advantages, but I won’t mind a little slowdown if it happens. ;-)

<3 NF

Laughing is Half The Battle

24 Feb

You would think this would be a real no-brainer – but never assume anything when it’s me you’re dealing with. I was just sitting here laughing aloud at something a guy had sent me via Email, and I realized how important it is for me to be with someone who loves to laugh and joke around. I realized that the dude I was seeing before was so painfully boring to me because of the lack of that lighthearted, screwy sense of humor. Like ball-busting, goofy, quoting stupid comedy movies – quoting comedians. There is a “type” of person who I am thinking of when I say this. Someone who ISN’T of the character type would say in defense “But I joke, I laugh, I do those things” because they attempt humor and enjoy some laughs… but it’s hard to put into words the difference between the real personality type I’m talking about – and the straight-and-narrow occasional laugher. That snoozer is the kind of person who tries and fails at goofy humor, but cracks themselves up in the process. Often he’s the only one in the room laughing – and often has to say “That was a joke, albeit a bad one”. Yeah. Sorry buddy. Go read a book. Eat a Veggie Burger.

But the real good goofball is the kind who has their shit together – has a Big Boy Job, a car, a large vocabulary, and can put on a suit and act the part of a Business Professional but at 5pm all bets are off. After Hours he’s got a comeback for everything, a joke for everything, he knows every stupid comedy movie (yeah I should have RUN when I quoted Anchorman to the last guy and he looked at me confused, so I said “Didn’t you see Anchorman?” and his reply was “I don’t remember”. Anchorman is not a movie you forget seeing). I’d love to invent a term for “That Guy” who just GETS IT. Rarely serious (can be serious when necessary, and also knows exactly when it’s time to be serious), always in a good mood, always laughing. Their face alone can make you smile. I am SURE you know one of these guys. I’ll just call them the Laugherati. Literati, Twitterati, Laugherati.

But there is just something about that personality type that people like myself are so drawn to. People who have a comeback immediately without much thought. And really that goes for girls, guys, friends or otherwise. It’s the kind of circle I keep around me, and everyone has that in common. MIGHT be why it’s a laugh riot whenever any of us get together. Last night my friends and I were so intensely fun that the 2 ladies at the next table ended up JOINING US to walk from the restaurant to a bar, and hanging out with us the rest of the night. Random women who just thought we were a good time. I take that as a compliment to our personalities!

Live, Laugh, Love. Fo sho.

<3 NF

Restlessness

21 Feb

I hate it! It’s my Personality Type. I’m easily bored, and constantly restless. But into my 30′s now, I’m noticing it’s getting worse with age. I like to be challenged, and right now I’m bored off my rocker. Some of it I can’t discuss, it’s work-related. But also I’m frustrated in this stupid dating bologna because:

A. I’m alone.

B. I don’t want to be alone.

C. I am not ready to date.

B and C cancel each other out, leaving just A. That’s not cool! I’m 31 and my last relationship situation was devastating. It could take years to really fully recover from. So what of it? I’m probably just wasting someone’s time if I date, because no doubt I’ll find 40 things I can’t stand again. It’s been the norm. Although to be honest, the last one was pretty friggin’ bad. Judgement call. Don’t ever judge a dude based on 3 hours of music talk. It turned out to be the only thing that didn’t bore me to tears. YAWN.

I’m new at this. I was off the Market for many years. It’s also very, very hard to push to the back of my brain the fact that I’m going to be 32 years old very soon. 224 in Dog Years! Christ.

But at 32, ya figure even if you meet someone worthy, you’re looking at a good year or more Courting. Another good year or more engaged. That rounds up to 3 years. 35. So what? No time to hang out and travel… Gotta work on the kid. And to be honest, I don’t wanna do it at 35! 36 with a newborn, BLAH. And that’s if being 36 doesn’t cause problems in that department. This is in a “normal” scenario. Nothing in my life or luck is ever normal.

It is damn near impossible NOT to think about those facts, though. Some women don’t want children and don’t need to think about this. It’s kind-of a big deal for me though. So what of it now? Hang out alone for a year, hope the hurt of the last crap fades enough to become non-influential in my dating dealings? Or truck on through and come what may, not turning down things that may turn out to be great? These are my questions. They shall go unanswered, since I am damned if I do or don’t.

So. Really I accomplished nothing with this post other than to bitch about how restless I feel. It happens. It’s my Blog.

<3 NF

Private Eyes, They’re Watching You

17 Feb

Someone posed this question, and I couldn’t give my answer in 140 Characters or less. But I wanted to talk about it. So I bring it here to my space where I can blah blah all night. The question was: Is it appropriate to read your significant other’s texts/Emails/Facebook messages? And part two was “Some say privacy is necessary; others say relationships involve relinquishing privacy, what do you think?”

I would love to hear readers’ thoughts on this as well, but here is my (always) very strong feeling about this, having been in some great and some awful Relationships involving this issue:

It is NOT appropriate to dig through your significant other’s communications with other people. Absolutely NOT. If you have a level of trust that you feel necessitates that kind of behavior, you should be looking into the trust and insecurity issues of your relationship instead. Relationships DO NOT involve relinquishing privacy, in much the same way that a HEALTHY relationship should not be one in which you give up your identity and melt into the other, but rather two independent people who do not “complete” one another but stand on their own and enjoy being together as best friends and lovers. In other words, I am me – and you are you. Always. There is an “us” and a “we” but that is not all there is, because two people in a Relationship need THEMSELVES as well.

I have been in both situations and I have to say that one of the BEST THINGS about my former 3 year relationship was exactly this. It was a non-issue. I’ve never read any of my Ex’s Email. I didn’t ever feel like there was a reason for me to! I am talking about the “good years”, of course.

Conversely, however, the REASON I never felt the need to read anything was that it wasn’t hidden. Yeah I knew he used basically the same password for every account. And there were times he gave me passwords to go in and fix something in his account settings for him on a Social Networking site or something. No big deal. I didn’t need to monitor them. But they were there if I wanted to. His phone was always laying around the house – and so was mine. BUT: If your significant other is blatantly hiding something, you may have a reason to look around. If they start locking the phone, changing passwords, guarding their communications with others – then you probably have a reason to break the code. Me? I just ask. “Hey. You are starting to lock everything up, and you didn’t used to. What’s the issue…” I am a COMMUNICATOR. I will always ask, for my own piece of mind. Sometimes they could be discussing a surprise for you – maybe he is planning to propose to you and his friend is coaching him!

And how crappy would it be if you were snooping through his stuff all the time and always found out when he was planning a surprise? You’d see Email Confirmations from him ordering things for you online. You’d see advice from his best friend on throwing your Birthday Party. COME ON! Have some trust. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship. Not a strong one. When I speak about my last relationship I almost ALWAYS repeat the same thing every time: “At least I know he never cheated.” You should know they aren’t doing anything to disrespect your relationship behind your back, and if you have any reason to doubt it – you should leave. I enjoyed that trust more than (almost) anything else.

So yeah. I guess you can HAVE my passwords and snoop through my cell phone. But you shouldn’t want to. People do need their privacy, Relationship or not. And also keep in mind that people have to vent. I need to vent, you need to vent. What if I text my best friend after we argue and say “UGH! He is so friggin’ STUBBORN!” and a few days later he sees that message on my phone. Of course his feelings will be hurt all over again, when really I was just venting to my friend which is healthy and we all do it. So no, I do NOT agree with going through your partner’s electronic media. There should be no reason.

<3 NF

Type A? Type B?

14 Feb

Sometimes I really feel like the only sane one in a big herd of crazies. And then I think that possibly I am the crazy one, since the “Norm” is the “Majority”. The majority of women around me seem to be losing their minds one at a time. I already discussed how I do not comprehend the BIG RUSH everyone is in to wife up – but it’s like every day, another one snaps.

And then there’s me. I don’t know when I became unemotional. Sometimes I can see a little spark of my former self, if I think too much. Or usually – if I DRINK too much. With a bunch of rum and enough thought, I catch a wave of feeling that I don’t particularly enjoy. It’s like 1/4 Regret, 1/4 Afraid, 1/4 Apologetic and 1/4 Hopeful. I have to be pretty sauced up to get to that point, and I always pray my cell phone isn’t within reach, too. One day I’ll invent the Cell Phone Breathalyzer.

There are just so many things I want to know. I wish I could predict the future. I wish I could just come out and ASK QUESTIONS of certain people. Someone I already DID ask for an answer from, I was totally ignored and blown off. And that after months without contact and wondering. Douche! Another person asked a crazy question of ME, which I answered, and days later I sit here wondering why it was asked. I want to talk about it. There is so much I want to talk about, with a few different people. And me who has NO PROBLEM talking to ANYONE about ANYTHING usually – I find myself holding so much back. I am in a tough phase here. I guess I’m at the point where I’ve started to try to figure out what I want – I have dated a few times so I have figured out WHAT I DON’T WANT and what I AM STAYING FAR AWAY FROM. I can tell you within a few weeks if I’m gonna run or not. I have a lot of life left, I sure as hell don’t want to hand it over to the unfit. I’ve realized what annoys the piss out of me – men who are:

- Whiners
- Spoiled
- Lazy
- Conceited
- Too perverted
- Not perverted enough
- Too aggressive
- Not aggressive enough
- Easily made to cry, actual tears, without there being a death in the family or monumental event
- Shy
- Too European (So hard to explain what this means in my head, also known as Not American Enough)
- Not up on current music, meaning, current ROCK music
- Not able to fit in at a dance club (yup, I need well-rounded-ness between rock music and a nightclub)
- Too old
- Too young (Yup, I want one between 30 and 33. Seriously)

Lately I am just SO easily annoyed! And it’s none of their faults. I have been trying to be open to new people and new things, trying to “think outside the box”. A guy who ordinarily would be a little too short for me – a guy who isn’t physically attractive really, and very plain and boring – a guy who has a shaved head, something which I have never liked… I really have just tried the last few months to think openly and date different types of people than I would normally go for. The bottom line is that I guess we all have a type and over the years I have kinda’ figured my “type” out. I always said I “don’t have a type” but at 31, I unfortunately have narrowed it down, and I do. I also wonder just how many of them are single at our age, and not because there is something wrong with them. It’s a tough age to date, I’m seeing. Older than me and they’ve had marriages that didn’t work out. Younger than me they haven’t gotten there yet. But around 30, 31 years old a LOT of guys who have never been married either are committment-o-phobes, abusive D-bags, or have some other oddity that’s kept them single. Not to say that’s everyone, some like me just had a long-term thing in their late 20′s that went south – but again, I speak in Majority terms that around 30 I am seeing a trend among men my friends and those around me are meeting.

So now that I know I have the nads to speak to a guy of my choosing (that was an issue at one point!), and I know that thinking outside the box is NOT a good idea for me, I guess I have to actually get out of the house to somewhere other than a weekend gig at a bar and see what the next adventure holds…

After all, this dating thing is supposed to be fun, isn’t it? So far I HATE IT. Maybe switching gears will lighten it up. Cheers to meeting someone more my speed and much MUCH less perfect in their own mind… a Beautiful Disaster just like me…

<3 NF

My Funny Valentine

9 Feb

Funny like a clown?

Ah my first V-Day as a single chick. Well for the most part. And I don’t remember the last one I was “alone” for. I’m *not* one of the people who say it’s just another day – I’m a Holiday person. Some people are, some aren’t. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong there. But personally, I love a Holiday no matter what it is. The last 3, I was at the same place with the same guy, and assuming that it would be that way the rest of my life. And now I’m rolling through the Holiday List one at a time, chalking them all up as the first I’ve navigated solo. And the more I navigate the dating scene, the more I think I might be happier alone. I’ve never said that before.

I am so annoyed with the neediness, the suffocation, the boredom, the lies, the total disenchantment that I’ve experienced in the last 7-8 months. The first few weeks are ALWAYS cool. Always. But in my last real relationship, those “first few weeks” lasted months… OK, 2 years maybe, until Trouble in Paradise brewed. I don’t particularly enjoy being alone, and I really wanted to get married and have another child one day. The sad truth to that is that I’m going to be 32 in May, and I hate rushing anything. So it could possibly boil down to running out of time. I vow to never become “That Girl”, though, who is in a hurry to settle down with anyone just to achieve the good ol’ American Dream. Believe me, if that was all I wanted – I’ve already met a few candidates. But I’m either going to be completely happy – or completely alone. Settling isn’t something I’m willing to do.

So I wrote about me, and didn’t offer anyone the slightest bit of advice. Sometimes it needs to be done.

<3 NF

Bombs Over Baghdad

5 Feb

Prematurely doing ANYTHING is bad news. But premature dropping of the L-Bomb can blow up a relationship faster than Kenneth Cole blew up his own credibility.

Don’t even SKATE around that word if you’ve been dating someone less than, say, 5 months. I’m sure there are instances where you’re in agreement that you both wanna smother each other to death, and it happens before then and doesn’t wreck it – but I’m speaking in generalizations. Dropping the Bomb before the other party is on that wavelength with you is Relationship Suicide. You may as well just stand up and announce “Hi! I’m clinically insane.”

Advance and retreat, advance and retreat. I can’t repeat it enough. Without some retreat, you’re chasing. Nearly no one wants to be chased and smothered. Again – there are some codependents who can only survive skin grafted to their partner, but most of us normal-ish folks enjoy the art of BREATHING.

The question I want to ask of these Serial Lovers is: Why the rush? Do we all understand that the world isn’t going to end tomorrow afternoon? People are getting engaged, married, and divorced all in less than 5 years’ time these days. SLOW THE EFF DOWN! I wish there was a statistic on that somewhere – there probably is but I’m not keen on researching right now. Maybe a purely statistical Blog is in order this week.

But we all know the people who fall “in love” in a few weeks. I just wish we could send them all to Dating Rehab. Anyone want to open a Center for the Relationally Challenged with me?

<3 NF

Untitled?

2 Feb

Titles.

Books have ‘em, movies have ‘em, blogs have ‘em, and Relationships have ‘em. But books, movies, and blogs all get titles BEFORE they’re made.

So when do you title yourself in a Relationship?

PERSONALLY, this has never made any difference to me. Not since maybe 8th grade. But to some this is a big deal (I have some girlfriends who are ANIMATE about this and although I don’t understand why, I’ll speak to it). I’ve heard everything from “Well, he just called me his Girlfriend, and we’ve only been dating for a week!!” to “We’ve been dating for TWO MONTHS, and the bastard won’t call me his Girlfriend.”

I have to wonder how many Relationships this concept actually screws up for people. Does it matter what he calls you? I mean OK, if you’re exclusive for 6 months and he’s still introducing you as “my friend Jennifer”, well Jen I would say he’s definitely bangin’ someone on the side. But a few weeks or a couple of months in, it’s not life or death if he isn’t Girlfriending you to everyone around. And I KNOW the ladies don’t ever think about the flip side – from his point of view, HE might be scared to use that Title on you! Yes, guys are just as nervous as we are when it comes to doing the right thing. Even if he acts like the guy who has his it all together, if he digs you – he’s nervous too.

But when it comes to Titling someone, I guess it does come out sounding like a Commitment. When we’re in 8th grade, there is a required question: “Will you be my Girlfriend?” And since no one has cars or licenses at that age, we then commence what I like to call Phone Dating, where you would steal your parents’ cordless phone at bedtime and talk in hushed tones to your ‘Boyfriend’ until mom and dad went to sleep, then sneak the cordless phone back to its cradle. But he was your BOYFRIEND! And you wore that like a badge.

Then as Adults, Facebook came around and it became the thing to do, to change your Relationship Status when you got serious. I have to wonder about the conversations that take place between people before they do the ol’ Relationship Button Clicking. I was with my Ex when I first created my account, so the thing said “In A Relationship” for 3 years, until this past May. I’m not entirely sure where folks decide to hit The Button. Of course the way I am, it’ll get clicked on a whim – and I’ll get yelled at. I am always getting scorned for my Socialness during a Courting.

But I do feel bad for the guys who end up with That Girl, who has rules on the G-Word. You can’t call her that too early, but if you wait too long she is pissed at you. Good luck, dude! I am going to say that if a chick cares so intensely about her TITLE, it might be a bit of a warning sign that she’s a little on the Superficial side. There are many more women out there who put our emphasis on things like how well you treat us, exactly how fantastic you make us feel, and whether or not you’re going to try to bang our best friend behind our backs. Call me whatever you want, if you’re passing those tests.

A rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet. Remember that, ladies!

<3 NF

Insecurities (For the Ladies)

18 Jan
Insecurities kill a relationship. Mostly OUR insecurities as women. I really dig it when a dude can say “That girl is really attractive” and not feel he has to follow it with “But you’re better.”

Guys pull that crap because we, as women, have created an Insecurity Situation for most of them. “Typical women” are so insecure it’s INSANE. And it might not be you, me, or the next woman… but I am going to say with a degree of certainty that THE MAJORITY of women would fall into the Insecure category when it comes to their men.

Ask yourself, “If my boyfriend/husband looked at another woman walking down the street and said ‘She is very pretty’ – would I be upset?” If your answer is yes, you are PART OF THE PROBLEM.

So if you’re part of the problem, think about it the other way around. Who’s the guy in the movies who you think is absolutely dreamy? And what is the difference? You have to find someone attractive besides your significant other. So why can’t HE find someone attractive besides you? It’s a fact of life, everyone has opinions on what they find sexy. It doesn’t translate into infidelity. It’s very simply just a physical attraction. Very simple, very innocent, VERY HUMAN, very normal.

I wish that insecure women could “un-learn” that behavior. You ladies ruin our men. And believe me or not – men are *NOT* as concerned with how you look as you think. The little things you think about when you look in the mirror – they don’t even notice. Trust me. I’ve had hours of conversation with MANY MEN about this on both a Friend level and a Relationship level. And good news ladies – they REALLY aren’t paying attention after-hours. When they’re in bed, they’re as worried about sucking in their tummies as you are, if not more. And they’re SO concerned with the performance on their end, they really did not notice that your tummy is bulging a little bit because you just ate. They could care less if your butt is a little flabby. Think of men as very simple, very easy-to-understand creatures. Kinda’ like Cavemen. Homo sapiens.

But it’s true! I’m not insulting our strong, cute counterparts. But men are so simple. They don’t love you because you’re perfect. If you’re taking care of them even just a little bit – cook him a meal here or there, tell him he’s sexy once or twice, grab him a beer during the game – they’re pretty happy. If you’re in a relationship (the real kind, like, more than 6 months… the dood you met at the bar last weekend that you’ve gone out with once doesn’t count here, he could be dating 6 other girls but you don’t know that yet), and it’s a good relationship, STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE SUPERFICIAL when it comes to making him happy and keeping him with you.

BOTTOM LINE: He’s not going anywhere if you gain 10 pounds. He’s going somewhere if you act like a psycho insecure bitch.

And guys see major insecurity as psycho behavior. So understand that if he’s with ya’, he digs ya’. So he thinks that Blondie waitress who strutted by your table is a hottie… She probably IS a hottie. So AGREE WITH HIM (or if you’re me, tell him she’s hot for a blonde, and point to the brunette at the next table who is REALLY hot), and move onto the next topic. Because you know who is going home with him after dinner? That’s right. YOU ARE. If you’re in a good relationship, the only thing that matters is whose girl is HIS GIRL. It’s you! So relax, and don’t sweat the small stuff.

<3 NF
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