Well I have been EXTREMELY unavailable for a few weeks but that doesn’t mean my brain ever shuts off… Personally, I just completed the last phase of a complete and total re-vamp of my life and I officially “have my shit together” for the first time in probably 5 years. Gorgeous new Townhouse, new car, love my job, amazing relationship, fantastic friends and family around – everything is fantastic! A year ago I was nearly at my worst, mean and miserable and unhappy, and last summer I thought I would NEVER get back on my own feet again. Well, after moving into my new Townhouse last weekend, I can say the last piece of the puzzle is in. It’s been hectic and crazy but I wouldn’t have it any other way – and I have the most amazing man standing there next to me like a 6-foot-1 Fire Extinguisher every time I burst into flames. Literally. I could be yelling and melting down, throwing a fit and he just calms me down and takes it in stride. Never believed in Soulmates until now – he was put on this Earth for me to find (and we’ve lived LESS THAN ONE MILE from each other since we were little kids, I just never knew it – oh the stories I could tell about all our coincidences!).
That brings me to the thoughts I have about New Relationships. Since I can’t write about dating anymore (and thank God, really, I hated it), here I am 4 months into a new Relationship and it’s very different from any other one I’ve had in my life. I wish I could write or reach out to anyone who is dating and somehow GIFT them a relationship like mine but I really can’t figure out what it is exactly that makes it so perfect. I used to think there were all these rules and protocols to follow, but I haven’t stopped to think about anything at all in months – it just works. I have noticed a lot of core beliefs that we share and I wonder if those are really the center of the harmony…
RESPECT. If both parties are big on it, you never have to worry about anyone feeling slighted. Respect for each other’s time, respect for each other’s property, and respect for each other’s needs/wishes. If you’re really
big on respect and you always respect your partner, but they don’t put the same importance on it (or vice versa) you will have IMMEDIATE problems and butt heads. One person will feel disrespected and unvalued – those feelings can lead to resentment and worse blowouts. Having a mutual respect level has been really refreshing.
ROMANCE. I never realized how important it is to be on the same playing field in terms of “the little things”. You can GET BY in a relationship when you’re not in tune on them, but you can’t reap the full benefits of a great love without matching up on them. Example: You do little things like sticking a lovenote on his windshield when he’s at work, maybe a card “just because” sometimes, etc… but he doesn’t believe in doing those kinds of things. You still will feel GREAT when
he smiles and feels great getting his “little acts” of random romance… but eventually you’ll feel a little resentment that you aren’t receiving them too. And vice versa for guys – if your man surprises you with flowers, or a random note or card here and there – but you just don’t do things like that – eventually he will feel like his romantic efforts are wasted on you. A relationship is at its best when BOTH people are of the same kinds of romantic beliefs. Either you both don’t do romantic “little things” – or you both do.
CHILDREN. Another really tricky subject to bridge with your partner. I could never really figure out what I wanted to do about this myself – date a guy with a child so he understands how my life goes because I have one? Date a guy with none so we don’t have to create the Brady Bunch? After dating I realized I didn’t want a guy with an older child than mine – they’re already raised and I’m not reversing someone else’s problems. And then I realized that people who have never had a child cannot really comprehend exactly what it’s like TO have one. Then of course I found perfection in what I’m currently in… so agreeing and meshing on Parenting and children is REALLY important to a couple getting along. This goes for single, non-child-having people as well. If one WANTS kids in the future and one doesn’t (or “doesn’t know”), you really are going to have a hard time one day when that subject has to be discussed. May as well have it all hashed out early.
ACTIVITIES/INTERESTS. “We have a lot in common” doesn’t cut it, really. I have a lot in common with a lot of people, including every guy I’ve ever dated. That doesn’t mean you’ll get along well. I’m learning how important it is that both parties are on similar schedules – and not similar in time, but similar in genre. Not doing the same things at the same time, but being active and interested in the same KINDS of things – narrowed down. Example: I love music. A lot of people love music. That doesn’t mean we’d be great together. Specifically, I’m into the LYRICS of music, I like to WRITE music, feel music, dissect music… and I’m a musician. Nothing annoys me more than the statement “I don’t listen to the words”. I know LOTS OF PEOPLE who LOVE MUSIC who do not listen to the words, they don’t care what the MESSAGE is in the songs they just enjoy listening to them. As far as I’m concerned, that means I do not share their musical interests. There are a LOT of things like this where people say “Oh we have tons in common” but it’s a very general statement. Digging down into the core interests, I’m finding that it’s so much more satisfying to really LOVE some of the same things.
People are complex – we have so many quirks and faults, so many attributes and flaws… it’s really what makes life as a human so interesting and exciting. But I’m finding cuteness in little quirks, comfort in sharing ideas and beliefs… discovering someone else layer by layer is just so intriguing when you’re on the same page in the same book.
<3 NF
